As Mother's Day Approaches

Mother's Day is just a few days away (honey this is your reminder) and I will be celebrating my third mother's day.  This is the third time that I can say--since we began the journey to parenthood-- that I'm excited about it.  I remember that not being the case.  I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the shower one mother's day & wondering if I'd ever get there.  I remember how hard it was to put a fake smile on my face and walk into church and see all the mom's with their children in their arms.  My arms were empty and my heart was even more empty.   It was so depressing and I was so angry.  I couldn't understand it, but I wasn't supposed to.  Now it's different.   Because of the gift J's first mommy gave me,  my heart is exploding every day. Some days I'm exhausted, most days in fact, but I feel so blessed.  I celebrate J's first mommy each mother's day & never forget what she's done for me.  I also think about those who sob in the shower as I did. I pray for several friends who are on pins & needles waiting for that call and wondering when their turn is coming. I think about those who get shots each and every day to prepare their bodies for their next round of fertility treatments.  I never forget about the journey and pain it took to hold my little boy in my arms.  I will always be thankful for the rain, because it always brings a rainbow.  I'm grateful for every tear I cried in the shower because now every day is mother's day.  God is good.  His plan is perfect. Sometimes we question his timing, but now I can look back and say God was right.  He knew my rainbow would arrive,  I just had to trust him.

Celebrating J's 2nd birthday

Yesterday we celebrated J's 2nd birthday.  It was also two years to the day that we hugged his first mommy.  It was a special day and J was surrounded by many people who love him. I will keep this post short, but yesterday can be described best from the message we received today from J's birth grandfather.  I wanted to share this message, but keep their privacy, so names have been deleted.
This is the text message I received. It brought tears to my eyes.  God definitely is in this adoption relationship.   There is no doubt about it!

Thank you so much for the wonderful birthday party. Birth grandmother and I had so much fun. Oh my gosh J is growing so fast and learning so much and speaking so well that we were just so happy and tried to soak it all in. He is really something special and such a kind young boy, very impressive. It is not hard to see that he is an extension of the love he is receiving. Birth grandmother was so happy he would sit and spend time with her and drink his milk that I could see the glow on her face all the way home. Again we cannot say thank you enough for such a wonderful day.

Happy birthday sweet boy.

Two years since our world changed

Tomorrow, March 20th is a day I will never forget until the day I no longer walk this earth.  Two years ago, on March 20th, we got the phone call that you were here.  I will never forget the way it felt to hear those words "there is a little boy, who is 2 weeks old, and he may be yours."  It still gives me goosebumps.   We had only a few short hours to decide if we wanted to proceed further.  I remember sitting in my car at work talking to our adoption worker and shaking.  I had prepared myself (at least I thought I had) for that moment, but when it arrived I was a wreck.  I sobbed in my boss's office after talking to your daddy. We both were shocked, excited and nervous about the unknown.   I remember calling my sister and mom.  I talked to my sister and she helped me work through some of my concerns.  We made a pros/cons list.  The cons list was pretty much nonexistent.  My mom had so many missed calls that she immediately snuck into the bathroom at work to call me back. I was so scared and so happy. When our worker told us your name and said that your first mommy wanted us to know your name meant "gift from God," I gasped.  My son, you are the BEST gift from God.
Looking back, I'm so happy that we set our fears aside and trusted God to lead the way. I cannot believe for one millisecond that I even questioned proceeding further.  Of course that was short lived.  I couldn't imagine my life without you in it.  You continue to amaze me every day.  I know there will be times when we don't always see eye to eye, but please remember, that no matter what you do in this life, I'm always there for you.  I consider myself the luckiest mama on this earth that I was chosen to be your mama.  God's plan was perfect.   He worked out all the details before we were told about you.  He named you and gave you the best first mommy and daddy to love you, then they graciously placed you in our arms forever.   What a wonderful gift.  You are our gift from God and we are happy to experience this life with you.

TWO

TWO!  How in the world did that just happen?  I feel like I blinked and you went from a tiny little 7lb sweetie to a 30lb busy and talkative sweetie. Two years ago we were praying for an adoption match and sharing our profile with friends and family.  What we did not know was that you were already 3 days old.  You had a beautiful biblical name that means gift from God.  Your sweet birthmom and dad had already searched our agency website and had stumbled upon our book. They were making decisions about your beautiful life and we were completely unaware of the joy we were about to experience.  We are so very blessed that we were chosen to be your parents.   Being your parents has been the most rewarding, joyful, exhausting and exciting job we've ever had. 
We are preparing for your dump truck themed birthday party in the next few weeks.  There will be people there who mean the most to you, your grandparents and birth family. What a gift it is to have a relationship with them so that they can celebrate these milestones with you.  Adoption is the best! We cannot wait to see what the future holds for you our sweet boy.    Remember we love you so much, but please don't cause too much chaos in those terrible two's. This mama just got through teething.

To the little girl I was before infertility

To the girl I was before infertility,
  You have big plans for yourself.  Sometimes when you play barbies, you picture what life will be like when you grow up.  You'll meet your prince, get married, buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after.  Your story will be a great one, but it will have a lot of twists and turns along the way.   You will meet your prince charming, he will look so cute driving his orange pick up truck to school each day and will pass you love notes in the hallways at your small town high school.  Years down the road, when you are packing for a move across country, you will find those love notes and read them to eachother.  You will laugh so hard you almost pee your pants.  It will be great.
Then you will buy a house, it will be the house that you start a family in.  You will be so excited.   You start picking out baby names and writing them down to pass the time when driving on the long road trips to visit your families.  Your husband will just look at road signs and start calling out silly names like "Gas Lee" or "Diesel Fuel". Little do you know, that  list you saved will one day bring you to your knees in tears when you find it tucked away in a drawer.   You see, young lady, your road to motherhood will be a roller coaster ride.  Trust me when I tell you, it will all work out as it's supposed to.  Your husband will become the strongest man you know and will pick you up off the floor when you feel like you can't.   He will be helping give, what feels like thousands of shots, so that you might achieve pregnancy.  It will not work, and when it doesn't,  you will be so angry.  You will scream and throw things.  You will question God and his motives.  You will cry so many tears, you'd think you couldn't cry anymore. Afterwards,  you will put on your big girl pants, release all your anger and put your trust in God.  There will come a point when you and your husband embrace God's plan.  Your faith will become stronger and you will start to see the bigger plan.  You will become the mother of the most amazingly,  sweet, and curious little boy.  You will bring his birth family into your lives and it will be the most wonderful blessing.   All of this will happen and you will be on the other side of infertility.   Yes it will still be there.  That won't change, but your plans will.  While you are busy making plans for your life, God is busy making better plans.  So little girl, please don't be discouraged.   God knows what He's doing. You will live happily ever after.

Open adoption is a God thing

Several times this week I've found myself texting someone who used to be a complete stranger.  Now we have an on going,  ever changing relationship.   These people will be in our lives until the day we die.  Sometimes it's small talk and other times it's emotional conversation.   It's a relationship we never thought was possible, or honestly I thought I'd ever be comfortable with.  This relationship began when my husband and I decided to put our personal feelings aside and focus on what was important for our son.  When we began the adoption process we were very hesitant to give out our personal information.  There was no way I would want perfect strangers to know my last name, town we lived in, let alone our address!  If you would've told me that soon we'd share phone numbers and have them over to our house, I would've told you you're crazy! But for the second year in a row, that will happen.  One month from today our son will turn two.  TWO!  How did that happen?  It still doesn't seem possible.  When we celebrate his birthday there will be extra people there who love our son like crazy.  His birth grandparents.   I have been told on several occasions how wonderful we are for "allowing" them in his life.  That bugs me hearing it now, but sadly not too long ago, I was scared of open adoption.  Now I think why wouldn't we accept them into our lives?  We are simply keeping the people who loved our son, before we even knew about him, involved in his life. They trusted US!  PERFECT STRANGERS, to come into their lives and be our son's parents for the rest of his life!  That's a God thing right there!  If you don't believe God exists,  then you probably have never experienced a goosebumps moment of having your child's first mother place her child in your arms. She then tells him, "she's your mommy, and she'll take great care of you."  God moment.  They are so happy to be able to watch him grow and we are so happy that they can.  Open adoption is wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  Afterall, who doesn't want there children to be extra loved?  I sure do.

A letter to my son's first mommy

To the beautiful woman who gave my son life, you may not know it, or maybe you do, I think about you every day.  To the sweet girl who put her emotions aside, despite her pain and fear,  to make the most difficult decision of her life, and in turn, allow me to be a mother, I thank you. 

Sometimes you cross my mind a hundred times a day.  I wonder how you are or what you're doing.  Each day when I pick our son up out of his crib and kiss his cheek, I think of you.  When he runs to grab the blue bear and yellow crocheted blanket, that you so lovingly handed to me the day you placed him in my arms, I think of you.  When I'm washing dishes and look up to see him playing trucks on the floor, or throwing cars across the room, I think of you.  When he is crying because his teeth are bugging him or he isn't feeling well, I think of you. When I'm kissing owies and bandaging scraped knees, I think of you. When we practice saying your name and he says it with a smile, I think of you.  When we read our bible stories and pray for you at night, I think of you. Every minute of every day I think of you. When I feel like I'm messing up and not doing the greatest job, I think of you.

I think about how much of a blessing it is that you trusted me enough to be his mommy.  Sometimes I still cannot believe it!  I want you to know that I will always love you fully and unconditionally.  You will always be on my mind.  I look at our son and I see you.  You have created a beautiful little boy.  He is proud of his first mommy and what you are doing in your life.  I hope that you are proud of the little boy we are raising him to be.  I hope you're proud of me.  When I look at the mother that I've become, I think of you.

Infertility and adoption advocacy

For over 8 years, our life had revolved around infertility treatments, doctors visits, adoption worker visits and tons and tons of paperwork.  It was a rollercoaster ride, but worth it all when we held our son for the first time in our adoption office.   We have completely closed the door for any further infertility treatments, but the adoption door remains open for our future.  I can look back now and know with 100% certainty that we were supposed to be parents through adoption.  We want to have one more child and sometimes I find myself struggling with when the right time is.  I'm sure that's a normal feeling of anyone deciding when to have more children.   But it has me thinking a lot lately.  I have been asked many times already when we will adopt again. The answer is I'm not sure when.  We are trusting in God's plan this time to lead the way and give us a timeline.  He did a pretty amazing job last time and we are trusting He will do it again in HIS timing.  I do know this though, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my personal experience with infertility to help others who are going through it.  I also will have our son's adoption journey to help others with the fear that sometimes is associated with the unknowns of adoption.   I want to be an ear to listen when someone needs to cry about that failed IVF or adoption placement.   I do understand fully the pain and emotions of it all.  God gave me infertility for a reason.  He definitely tested my faith in him at times.  Then He blessed us with our son.  The son who was meant to be ours.  Through the process,  we gained strength and faith, and because of that, are able to help those who are hurting.  I am, and will continue to be an advocate for those trying to grow their family.   No matter how you get there, trust in God to lead the way.   His perfect plan will work out as it's supposed to if you just trust him.  You will find peace and understanding when you hold that precious gift from God, the gift that God hand selected to be yours.   No matter how you become a parent,  know it's the way you were meant to become a parent.