There is no book on how to handle this...

Wednesday March 20, 2013 5:00pm

   What a roller coaster ride.  There are so many things that run through your mind ahead of time to prepare yourself,  but the day it happens shocks you.  I'm speaking from experience here.  I just got a call 2 1/2 hrs ago that could potentially change our lives forever.  There is a little boy already in this world who could possibly be ours.  Such a huge amount of emotions.  One minute I'm giving a client a hair color and the next I get a phone call that could be life changing.   Simply unexplainable.

Thursday March 21, 2013 3:45am

    I'm wide awake.  I decided to just get out of bed and make a cup of tea.  Hopefully it will help me sleep.  I've been laying in bed and thinking about the little boy. The little boy who is already named.  The 2 week old little guy who may just be the little boy that calls me mommy.  His initials are J.G. He is Caucasian & Filipino.  He was born healthy and is eating 2 oz. Formula at each feeding & sleeping around 3-4hrs at a time.  I'm sure he is so darn handsome!  We talked last night about trying not to get our hopes up and to not get too attached. THAT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE! He may not be ours, but he might be ours forever.
We aren't technically "matched", but the birth mom felt strongly enough about us that it required our worker to call us and ask permission to proceed further.  There certainly isn't a book out there that  can explain to you how you will feel in a situation like this.  What's so ironic,(I guess I shouldn't call it ironic, because I'm sure God had this planned all along) is that one year ago today I was lying awake (probably around the same time)  waiting to do our final frozen embryo transfer.  Today I'm wide awake, hoping that today is the day that we find out if little J.G will become ours.

Thursday March 21, 2013 5:30pm

   I hate waiting.   This has been the longest day of my life.  Its out of our hands and in the hands of God & the birth family.  I'm praying we get a call very soon.

Friday March 22, 2013 10:00AM

   Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting? I do.  We still haven't  heard anything back from the social worker for the birth family.  I'm sure they are obviously making some pretty difficult decisions.  I  feel selfish that I'm being impatient. This birth family is making the biggest decision of their entire lives and may just trust us enough to place their child with us and have him call me mommy and my husband daddy, and yet I'm being the selfish one.  I want it in MY timing.  I need to refocus and wait for THEIR timing!  God knows what he's doing and he's putting my feelings and patience to the test.  So far I feel like I'm disappointing him.  Sorry God.  I will try to be better.

Saturday March 23, 2013 7:00pm

   We went out for dinner with friends last night and are going to have some drinks with my cousins tonight.   We are hoping this is our very last kid-free weekend (without having to find a baby-sitter of course!)  We are trying to keep busy so it isn't constantly on our minds.  I find myself going through lists in my head of things we need to get still.  At least now I'm sleeping a little better and I'm not lying in bed thinking about it all night. I'm finding it difficult to not scream it to the mountain tops that we may be parents very soon. Tonight my cousin asked us how the adoption process was going.  I wanted so badly to tell him, but didn't want to jinx anything!  Not like I'm superstitious,  but still don't want to take any chances! Ha! So far only a few people know what's going on.  Our immediate family & our co-workers (only because we got the call at work).  We are leaning on our parents, sisters and God to get us through this wait.

March 24, 2013. Palm Sunday

   As we drove to church this morning I looked back into the empty seat behind us.  I couldn't help but think that the next time we drive to church there could be a carseat back there.  I prayed like I've never prayed before in church and found myself in tears many times throughout the service.  Thankfully my hubby was right there to hold my hand.  I'm certain that the people around me thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I just feel in my heart that baby J will be ours.  I pray he will be, but then again, I've been wrong before.  I just pray God will give us strength & also hold my hand through this all.
After church we did go get the last few items that were on our list of must-haves before baby would arrive.  Bottles, a crib mattress & mattress pad.  We are completely ready for the arrival of our child.
I also was in the nursery today for a little bit reading the book "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You"  I love that book & hope to be able to read it to our child very soon.

Palm Sunday 10:30 pm
 
  2 hours ago our lives changed forever.  We just got the most wonderful news we've ever heard.   The birth family has chosen to meet us and may trust us enough to be baby J's mommy and daddy for the rest of his life.  I cannot explain the excitement.  After getting off the phone we sobbed in eachother's arms.  Then we called our families.  Hearing our families excitement was breathtaking.  I'm shaking and sweating like crazy!  Next step is to meet them on Wednesday.   We are praying things go great and he will be home with us by Easter.   My sister is already talking about taking his baby photos.  God is truly amazing.  Every tear has been worth it thus far.  We are simply blessed!
  We might be earning the title of parents!  Thank you God! Of course its not for sure yet, so trying really hard to not get excited.   Ha ya right, I'm excited!

Monday March 25, 2013

   Today we learned some more details about the little boy that we already love.  He may just be our son! It feels so weird to say that!  He was born 20 days ago and weighted 7 lbs. 1 oz & was 19 1/4 inches long.  We made plans for Wednesday  to travel and skype with the birth father and meet the birth mother face to face.  Thankfully the birth mother isn't too terribly far away from us, so it shouldn't be too long of a drive.  Then if things go good there is a chance to have baby J in our home THIS WEEKEND!  Just in time for Easter!  We are still keeping the news private for now.  There is always that chance of the birth family changing their minds.  We pray that won't happen,  but to be safe and respect our birth family, only a few people & our pastor know.  I got a call and an email from our pastor.  She was rejoicing and praising God.  I can't wait to shout it to the mountain tops.  But that will come. 

Wednesday March 27, 2013 5:45 am

    Today is a day that I have been thinking about since the day we began our adoption journey a year ago.  Today is the day we will meet the people who gave J life.  The people who have loved him so much to want the very best for him.  I love them both so much and I haven't met them.   Its so crazy to feel such strong emotion for two people, who just last week, were complete strangers.   I have so many things I want to say to them. Thank you isn't enough.  What words do you say to the people who might be giving you the greatest gift you will ever receive?   There will never be anything I can say that's greater than the gift they might be giving us.  We will be forever grateful to them.  Our son will always know about them and how much they love him. He will also know how much we love them. There will never be a day that goes by that I will not thank God for bringing J's birth parents into our lives so that we could receive the biggest blessing.   I've said this before, and I'll say it again.   Adoption is a wonderful thing,  although its the scariest too, but that is why our social worker is helping us through.  Today we may just get another new extended family!

March 21st is a day worth celebrating

  I've been thinking about this date for a few days now.  March 21, 2012 is a date that will always remain in my head.  It was the day that we transferred our very last 3 embryos.  We went into the clinic knowing that we'd frozen four embryos, but weren't sure how many, if any, had survived the thaw.  The doctor took us into a room to talk.   I remember the way it felt to hear the doctor tell us that one of our embryos hadn't survived and that another was "so-so." It was a horrible feeling.  I remember looking at my husband and getting teary eyed.   These weren't just "cells"to us.  To us, these were babies.  Our babies.  Babies that we'd hoped one day would fish with their daddy or play dolls with their mommy. I couldn't help but be sad and wished there was something we could do to bring them back.

  Our doctor assured us that we still had 2 great embryos and the "so-so" embryo so we would transfer all three of them to ensure the best possible chances and to give them a fighting chance at life.  They went over the statistics of multiples.  78% chance of twins and 20% chance of triplets.  Then they took us into the room and prepped me for the procedure. As we walked into that room, my husband grabbed my hand and said "lets do this honey." He also sat by my side and told me that no matter the outcome,  we'd get through it together.  (How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing man by my side?)
   When you do invitro & frozen embryo transfer they print off ultrasound pictures of the embryos and give you copies.  I held the picture of them in my hand and stared at the photos while I talked to God with my husband by my side. 
I can't remember my exact words to God, but I do remember asking God to please give us peace for the outcome and to give us guidance along the way.  Every other time we'd have procedures done, I'd come home and feel very hopeful and "cautiously optimistic."  This time was different.  As I laid on bedrest I kept thinking that this was God's sign we needed to pursue adoption.  Instead of searching online for maternity clothes, I began searching for adoption agencies.   It was a weird feeling. 
     Going into the procedure we had decided that we would try this and if it didn't work, pursue adoption.  Sometimes I felt guilty about this.  I didn't ever want adoption to be our last resort, and if we adopted I didn't want my child to think "well we adopted BECAUSE we couldn't be pregnant. "  This had always been an option we'd heavily considered but didn't have the means or the knowledge to pursue.  I knew that day, March 21st, that we were meant to adopt.  God had healed my heart from all of the pain, hurt and anger caused by infertility.   Bottom line was I was in love with the idea of being a mom WAY more than I was in love with idea of being pregnant.   I think God brought us down the road of infertility so we could fully understand the blessing adoption would bring.  We signed with our agency 3 weeks later.  I look back with a smile on my face.  God has healed my heart.  This is the path we should have taken all along, and although it took us time to realize it, its a path we belong on.  So this year on March 21st I will celebrate.   After all, its worth celebrating.

Its been nearly a year since we began this adoption journey and we are approaching the 4 month mark of "actively waiting."  Its getting a little harder to wait patiently, but I keep reminding myself that with each passing day and month that its just another day and month closer to the day we bring home our child.
We completely finished decorating the nursery last night but there is one thing missing....our baby.  Some people who go through infertility and adoption wait to put the nursery together because they fear they will have pain every time they walk past the empty nursery.  Its different for me.  I walk past that nursery every day and smile.  Sometimes I walk in it and imagine what it will feel like to pick up our baby from the crib.  I imagine the joy I will have in my heart when I'm sleep deprived and hearing our baby cry in the middle of the night or when we are changing dirty diapers.  Some people would dread some of those moments.  I can't wait for them.

Sometimes i don't think about it....

So we've been actively waiting just over 3 months now and its getting to the point now where I can function throughout my day without even thinking about adoption.  The wait is getting a little easier.   Sometimes I find myself having a "pity party"  but not as often anymore.   I just keep telling myself with every passing month that its one month closer to the day our baby finds us.  We've been keeping busy with work and just got home from vacation too, so that's helping pass the time too.  We're putting the final touches in the nursery & hanging up photos on the walls that my sister took of us.  Soon the room will be complete and all we will need is our bundle of joy.  Praying God will find us a match soon.

The good, the bad and the crazy roller coaster ride....

I made a promise that I would continue to blog through the good and not so good times in adoption, afterall, it is a roller coaster ride we are on.
Yesterday was a tough day.  We had received word from our worker that we were in the final selection process for a birth family.  They were deciding between us and one other couple.  Emotional high.  Then we found out we weren't chosen.  Emotional low.  Then we found out that the birth family decided to parent the child.  That's a lot to take in from one conversation.
  We are looking at this situation as God's way of protecting us from a failed match situation.   We are trusting that this child wasn't meant to be ours, but its still hard to be so close, yet so far away from parenthood.  Our worker did tell us our book has been viewed by several birth families & that they are getting wonderful feedback from it.  We can only hope and pray that God will complete our family soon.  In the meantime, we will keep that other family in our prayers as well as the birth family parenting that child.  May God fill their hearts with peace.

While im waiting

Its been 2 months since we began waiting for a match.  The toughest part for me so far in this journey is The wait.  You would think I'd be used to waiting.   Afterall, its been 6 years since we started trying to have a family.  We've waited 6 LONG years.  Its no big deal to wait a little longer right?  Wrong.
I find peace while I wait by trusting in God and leaning on my family and friends.  They are all part of this master plan, and without them we wouldn't make it through.  God will provide us the gift of our child when He finds the right fit for us.  I trust in Him.  So when my days get tough,  which they often do, I pray.  God will guide me through and give me strength.  He's never let me down and He's not about to start now. I often sing in my head the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  It has given me strength through our infertility treatments and now I find strength while we wait with our adoption.  I will close with these words:
I'm waiting,
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful,
patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting

Bring on 2013!

As I reflect on what happened in 2012, it brings a smile to my face to think about where we were at emotionally a year ago and to see how far we've come.
A year ago we had just received the news that our first IVF was not successful and were trying to figure out why.  We were in the process of making some very serious decisions about our future family.  We decided to try one more time and transfer the remaining embryos we had frozen.  That occurred in late February.  We found out that wasn't successful at the beginning of March and decided that this was our sign from God that He was leading our hearts in the direction towards adoption. God had already started to lead us in that direction,  but it took a little bit for us to finally see the plan He had for us.   We began that journey in mid-April and its been a roller coaster ride ever since!   This ride included TONS of paperwork, counselling sessions with our amazing social worker, 9 references, personality tests, parenting tests, physicals, FBI background checks, family history, group work shops and so much more! Yes there were some tough times, but there were also some great times!  We've come a long way with our knowledge on adoption.  I always made a point to educate myself about infertility,  but I was clueless when we first started the adoption process.   I think its safe to say that I'm pretty educated on adoption now too and am looking forward to continuing to learn more.  Every day brings a new challenge and I'm sure it will be like that every day when we are parents too.
2013 will be an amazing year.  We know it will be the best year we've had during our 10 year marriage because it will be the year we earn the title of PARENTS.   The nursery is ready, the car seat is waiting,  and our arms are open for our child to arrive.   Goodbye 2012 and bring on 2013.  We are ready for the best year of our lives.