I've been thinking about this date for a few days now. March 21, 2012 is a date that will always remain in my head. It was the day that we transferred our very last 3 embryos. We went into the clinic knowing that we'd frozen four embryos, but weren't sure how many, if any, had survived the thaw. The doctor took us into a room to talk. I remember the way it felt to hear the doctor tell us that one of our embryos hadn't survived and that another was "so-so." It was a horrible feeling. I remember looking at my husband and getting teary eyed. These weren't just "cells"to us. To us, these were babies. Our babies. Babies that we'd hoped one day would fish with their daddy or play dolls with their mommy. I couldn't help but be sad and wished there was something we could do to bring them back.
Our doctor assured us that we still had 2 great embryos and the "so-so" embryo so we would transfer all three of them to ensure the best possible chances and to give them a fighting chance at life. They went over the statistics of multiples. 78% chance of twins and 20% chance of triplets. Then they took us into the room and prepped me for the procedure. As we walked into that room, my husband grabbed my hand and said "lets do this honey." He also sat by my side and told me that no matter the outcome, we'd get through it together. (How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing man by my side?)
When you do invitro & frozen embryo transfer they print off ultrasound pictures of the embryos and give you copies. I held the picture of them in my hand and stared at the photos while I talked to God with my husband by my side.
I can't remember my exact words to God, but I do remember asking God to please give us peace for the outcome and to give us guidance along the way. Every other time we'd have procedures done, I'd come home and feel very hopeful and "cautiously optimistic." This time was different. As I laid on bedrest I kept thinking that this was God's sign we needed to pursue adoption. Instead of searching online for maternity clothes, I began searching for adoption agencies. It was a weird feeling.
Going into the procedure we had decided that we would try this and if it didn't work, pursue adoption. Sometimes I felt guilty about this. I didn't ever want adoption to be our last resort, and if we adopted I didn't want my child to think "well we adopted BECAUSE we couldn't be pregnant. " This had always been an option we'd heavily considered but didn't have the means or the knowledge to pursue. I knew that day, March 21st, that we were meant to adopt. God had healed my heart from all of the pain, hurt and anger caused by infertility. Bottom line was I was in love with the idea of being a mom WAY more than I was in love with idea of being pregnant. I think God brought us down the road of infertility so we could fully understand the blessing adoption would bring. We signed with our agency 3 weeks later. I look back with a smile on my face. God has healed my heart. This is the path we should have taken all along, and although it took us time to realize it, its a path we belong on. So this year on March 21st I will celebrate. After all, its worth celebrating.
I just wanted to say that I can identify with you. We did a frozen embryo transfer last April. We had two embryos and one was badly damaged once it thawed. We had already decided ahead of time that we would only transfer one. We knew from my first pregnancy that I wasn't able to carry twins to term. Our twins were born at 24 weeks and our daughter passed away due to the complications of being born so premature. We didn't want to take a chance and have two more babies suffer the way our first two had. Making the decision not to transfer both was VERY hard for me though. I considered both of those embryos our babies and wanted to give them both a chance at life. We were told that the likelihood of the damaged one attaching were very slim though.
ReplyDeleteI had my blood test on May 7th which was the original due date of our twins. I was sure that it was a sign that God was going to bless us with another miracle. I was pregnant for 10 days and then I miscarried. We had already decided that this would be our last IVF attempt and that we would move on to adoption. We didn't want to move forward without giving our snow babies a chance at life though. I still look at that embryo pic from time to time. I morn the loss of those little lives just as much as I morn our daughter.
I know God has a plan for us and I've always felt in my heart that we were meant to adopt. Our son wants so badly to have a baby brother or sister and I pray that some day soon we are blessed with another miracle. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope very soon that you both are blessed with your miracle!!
First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope and pray that God has helped you through that time. I'm happy that my blog is touching people I don't even know. God puts people in our lives for a reason. I hope that reading about our journey will help many people. Many prayers and blessings to you and your husband. I pray your little boy will be blessed with a sibling very soon!
ReplyDeletelook at it this way - this is a step. it's a necessary step on your journey to your baby. it doesn't matter how you find your baby or what path you take but you have to go through each step until you are together. when you have your baby in your arms, all of these steps will fall together in your mind as stepping stones...i promise you.
ReplyDeletethanks for visiting me today at http://chixnuggetsandcookiebutts.blogspot.com/
i'm following you via gfc
I can totally relate to this moment. When we were doing invitro I had a friend who asked if we would adopt if it didn't work out. I was so certain God had led us to invitro that I couldn't understand how the two things were related. But when invitro didn't work and I realized what I wanted wasn't a biological child but a child. Like you said, " I was in love with the idea of being a mom WAY more than I was in love with idea of being pregnant." Exactly what I realized. I think for us I needed to know the possibility of getting pregnant on my own was completely over before I could open my heart to anything else. It took us almost a year to apply to and get registered with an agency and then we waited for just over a year for a birth mother to choose us. But now it has been 8 years since we brought our daughter home. We have a biological child and had been waiting for a second child for almost 11 years before she came home, it consumed us at times during those years, but now I can barely remember those waiting and wanting years. What feels like a moment in time that will last forever comes and goes in blink of an eye when you are looking back on it. And I am beyond certain that our daughter was always meant to be our daughter and adoption was exactly the path God was really preparing us for. While it is hard to wait now, one day this will be just a blink in your parenting journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies! It definately is something that will all be worth it when we hold our baby in our arms.
ReplyDelete