Tis the season

I was reading an article on the Resolve website about this time of year being the hardest for 7.3 million Americans who struggle with infertility. That's a jaw dropping statistic.  I'm one of those 7.3 million. To know that 7.3 million people in America struggle to conceive blows my mind.  And to know that so many people are embarrassed to talk about it makes me sad.  I refuse to be the person who is ashamed.  Yes im infertile. But infertility doesn't define me.  I believe it makes me stronger.  This year I'm making a promise to myself to not focus on what I don't have, but instead to focus on what I do have.  This year will be little different.  I'm actually not as depressed as I have been in previous years.   I think its because I know that this will be our last Christmas as a family of two.  I guess I'm hopeful it will be. 

Realistically we could wait a year for a match,  but I'm holding on to hope that we won't wait that long.  While we wait for God to find our child, I will celebrate the amazing blessings in my life.  I'm blessed with the most amazing man whom I've been lucky enough to have in my life for 17 years.  I pray God allows us to live at least another 50 together!  I'm blessed to have amazing parents and in-laws who would do anything for us.  I'm blessed to have 2 wonderful sisters, an amazing sister-in-law, and some pretty awesome brother-in-law's too!   Oh and let me not forget about our 5 nieces and 4 nephews whom I'm so proud to be auntie to!  God has blessed me beyond measure. We both have the BEST extended family in the whole world! Some wonderful friends. Some pretty darn good jobs with amazing bosses. I could go on and on but you get the point. :)

Tis the season for holiday shopping and picking out the perfect santa gifts to give your children. I always dream about what it will be like to play Santa.  I picture the looks of excitement in our children's eyes when they see the gifts wrapped under the tree for them.   But until that day arrives, I will continue to thank God for what I have.  The child who comes into our family will be lucky enough to share all these wonderful blessings with me.  I look forward to that day.

Sandy Hook shooting

After watching all the news coverage about the shooting in Newtown, CT at Sandy Hook elementary school, I can't help but think about the 20 children and 6 adults that were killed during this horrific massacre.   My heart just hurts for their families.  I don't have children yet, but I have nieces and nephews and I cannot imagine the pain I would feel if something happened to them. 
Those kids were just babies.  The teachers and staff were doing their jobs and teaching our nations children.  No one ever imagines that they will drop off their kids at school and never see them alive again.  Tonight I will be saying a lot of prayers for the families who cannot tuck their babies into bed tonight.  I will pray for the families of the teachers and staff who were killed trying to protect those kids.  I will pray for all the kids and faculty who survived and will now live with these horrible thoughts everyday.  May God be with them and may all the new angels in heaven tonight watch over them.

Due dates are just dates

Today is a bittersweet day for me.  December 11 would have been my due date had our last invitro procedure worked. Its just another day on the calendar now for us. 
     Its weird to think about what might have been had those 3 precious embryos taken and grown into beautiful babies.  I still think about our embryos.  All of them.  Those we transferred the first time and the ones we did the second time.  We are blessed to have pictures of both sets.  Two the first time and 3 the second time. The pictures were hanging on the fridge and we looked at them every morning. We were blessed to get pictures of them. In my mind and heart they were living beings.  Eventhough they never got to see what its like here on earth, I will still think of them.  Our little embabies as we called them. 
    God has a plan for our lives and it is different then we had expected, but we are thrilled and excited.  People make plans and God laughs.  His plan is much bigger for us.

Oh Christmas tree

    We began our weekend by going to pick out our christmas tree. We loaded it into the truck bed and then carried it into the house.  The whole time I kept thinking this just may be our last Christmas with just the two of us. 
    Today was a day spent decorating the Christmas tree.  As I hung every ornament on the tree, I couldn't help but hope and pray that next year would be our babies first Christmas.   We would hang an extra stocking on the fireplace and a "babies 1st Christmas" ornament on the tree.  I hope and pray our wish for next year comes true.   I dream of putting out homemade ornaments made by our children, stringing popcorn around the tree and singing Christmas carols as we decorate the tree together.
Tomorrow will mark 8 months since we started down the road to adoption and this week it will be 1 month of waiting for a match.   I've never wished time away, but I'm ready for 2013 to arrive because when it does, it hopefully will bring us the best gift we will ever receive, an extra stocking, and we will be a family of 3.

I wonder

Every night I lay my head on my pillow and wonder where you are.  I think about what it will feel like to get the call that you have arrived or are soon on your way. I think about what it will feel like to hear the sound of your cry.  I think about the moment we will hold you in our arms.  Will you be minutes old or a month old?  Will you know that we are mommy and daddy?  Will you be a boy or a girl?
  I think about what color of skin you will have. Will your hair be straight or curly?  Will your eyes be blue or brown or hazel or green?  Will you play sports like your daddy or will you be more into music like your mommy?

These are all thoughts that run through my mind.  But I know that no matter what you become or what you will look like, I know you are ours.   Created by God for us.  Blessing us with the most amazing gift we could ever receive.   You will be our child.  We cannot wait to meet you and hold you and love you.  Actually, we already do love you.

Why im thankful for infertility

I often look back on our many years with infertility and wonder how in the world we survived.  3 years of trying on our own.  2 years worth of doctors appointments.  So many medications that I can't even count.  Needle marks in my arms from blood draws and in my stomach and rear end from hormones (if you didn't know me, you'd think I was a junkie). Many moments of breaking into tears for no reason at all.  I once cried watching the tv show American Choppers!  My hubby thought I had officially fallen off my rocker! Haha!   Numerous IUI'S, 1 IVF, and a frozen embryo transfer all with the same result :  Not Pregnant.
   We've cried many nights and wondered over and over again "Why us?"  Why God would you allow this to happen?  We are so in love. We've been together 17 years and married 10 years.  We've worked hard to get where we are and we just want to be parents!   Why us God?  Why?  Then one day it dawned on me.  The question isn't "Why us?"  The question is "Why not us?"   What makes me think that I'm so good that I shouldn't experience infertility?   Infertility is a disease just like diabetes or cancer, or anything else for that matter.
  No I didn't choose infertility,  but it chose me.  If it weren't for infertility in our lives, we wouldn't be as strong as we are today.  Infertility gave me strength I didn't know existed.  It taught me to value the life I have and who I live it with.  It taught me that the only one in control of my life is my creator.   It brought women into my life that I would have never met had I not had infertility.   When some relationships would fall apart because of the difficult struggle, it brought ours closer together. Most importantly it caused me to have a stronger relationship with God.
I am grateful for our struggles with infertility.   I never thought I'd be saying those words less than 1 year after our final treatment failed.  I am grateful for infertility.   I'm grateful for the experience we had because if it weren't for it I would have never figured out that my desire wasn't to be pregnant.  My desire was the end result of a pregnancy: Motherhood.  My own mother said to me during a very tearful conversation after our last treatment  "You don't have to give birth to be a mom.  Being a mom comes from your heart." Its something I will never forget. 
  Infertility has brought us to a 7 month journey towards adoption. Its a journey we feel we belong on.  Its an exciting and very scary time for us.  Its full of many unanswered questions and so many unknowns, but its a journey we are meant to be on and we may not have ever known about the wonderful world of adoption had it not been for infertility.  So yes, I'm thankful for infertility.  We will be parents through the amazing gift of adoption.   Afterall, parenthood is what we truly wanted to experience in the first place.  We took a detour along the way, but the end result will be the same and we will be stronger because of the curves in the road along the way.

Let the crazy dreams begin ..

So I've always been known as the crazy dreamer.   I tend to dream the weirdest most outrageous things and always remember them.  So last nights dream was normal.  WEIRD RIGHT?   It was all about adoption.  I can remember every single detail from the color of shirt our social worker was wearing (it was yellow in case you are wondering)to the time our worker told us we'd know if we were selected (11:00am) and the name of our birth mother (Tracy).  I even remember what she did for a living. Every little detail is etched into my memory.  I'm obviously over analysing this dream, but I long for the day when I wake up in the morning and realize it wasn't just a dream.

Correct Adoption language

Before we became familiar with the entire adoption process and the appropriate language to use, we were also guilty of using some of the negative words too.  I wanted to share with our family and friends the correct terms/words to use when speaking about adoption.  If negative words are used it can be hurtful even if you don't intend it to be, so I wanted to share this list below.  The one word that I've become very used to using now is "placed" instead of given away or given up.

Positive Language                      

Negative Language

Birthparent                                                                               Real parent

Biological parent                                                                    Natural parent

Birth child                                                                               Own child

My child                                                                     Adopted child; Own child

Born to unmarried parents                                                  Illegitimate

Terminate parental rights                                                      Give up

Make an adoption plan  or place for adoption                  Give away

To parent                                                                                To keep

Waiting child                                                        Adoptable child; available child

Biological or birthfather                                                      Real father

Making contact with                                                           Reunion

Parent                                                                              Adoptive parent

Intercountry adoption                                                  Foreign adoption

Adoption triad                                                            Adoption triangle

Permission to sign a release                                              Disclosure

Search                                                                          Track down parents

Child placed for adoption                                          An unwanted child

Court termination                                                        Child taken away

Child with special needs                                          Handicapped child

Child from abroad                                                          Foreign child

Was adopted                                                                    Is adopted

Waiting ...

Its officially been two whole weeks since we've been waiting for a match.  I knew that the wait would be the hardest part of this journey so far and I was right.   I know that it will get harder and more emotional as we get closer to receiving that match.  I'm already finding myself jumping every time that phone rings and checking my phone for missed calls constantly.  The anticipation of what is to come is exciting and scary all at once.  I pray that our wait is short, but I trust in God's plan.  I know our child is out there (hopefully arriving soon) and I hope that the next time I jump because the phone is ringing we end up jumping for joy because our time has arrived.