Tis the season

I was reading an article on the Resolve website about this time of year being the hardest for 7.3 million Americans who struggle with infertility. That's a jaw dropping statistic.  I'm one of those 7.3 million. To know that 7.3 million people in America struggle to conceive blows my mind.  And to know that so many people are embarrassed to talk about it makes me sad.  I refuse to be the person who is ashamed.  Yes im infertile. But infertility doesn't define me.  I believe it makes me stronger.  This year I'm making a promise to myself to not focus on what I don't have, but instead to focus on what I do have.  This year will be little different.  I'm actually not as depressed as I have been in previous years.   I think its because I know that this will be our last Christmas as a family of two.  I guess I'm hopeful it will be. 

Realistically we could wait a year for a match,  but I'm holding on to hope that we won't wait that long.  While we wait for God to find our child, I will celebrate the amazing blessings in my life.  I'm blessed with the most amazing man whom I've been lucky enough to have in my life for 17 years.  I pray God allows us to live at least another 50 together!  I'm blessed to have amazing parents and in-laws who would do anything for us.  I'm blessed to have 2 wonderful sisters, an amazing sister-in-law, and some pretty awesome brother-in-law's too!   Oh and let me not forget about our 5 nieces and 4 nephews whom I'm so proud to be auntie to!  God has blessed me beyond measure. We both have the BEST extended family in the whole world! Some wonderful friends. Some pretty darn good jobs with amazing bosses. I could go on and on but you get the point. :)

Tis the season for holiday shopping and picking out the perfect santa gifts to give your children. I always dream about what it will be like to play Santa.  I picture the looks of excitement in our children's eyes when they see the gifts wrapped under the tree for them.   But until that day arrives, I will continue to thank God for what I have.  The child who comes into our family will be lucky enough to share all these wonderful blessings with me.  I look forward to that day.

Sandy Hook shooting

After watching all the news coverage about the shooting in Newtown, CT at Sandy Hook elementary school, I can't help but think about the 20 children and 6 adults that were killed during this horrific massacre.   My heart just hurts for their families.  I don't have children yet, but I have nieces and nephews and I cannot imagine the pain I would feel if something happened to them. 
Those kids were just babies.  The teachers and staff were doing their jobs and teaching our nations children.  No one ever imagines that they will drop off their kids at school and never see them alive again.  Tonight I will be saying a lot of prayers for the families who cannot tuck their babies into bed tonight.  I will pray for the families of the teachers and staff who were killed trying to protect those kids.  I will pray for all the kids and faculty who survived and will now live with these horrible thoughts everyday.  May God be with them and may all the new angels in heaven tonight watch over them.

Due dates are just dates

Today is a bittersweet day for me.  December 11 would have been my due date had our last invitro procedure worked. Its just another day on the calendar now for us. 
     Its weird to think about what might have been had those 3 precious embryos taken and grown into beautiful babies.  I still think about our embryos.  All of them.  Those we transferred the first time and the ones we did the second time.  We are blessed to have pictures of both sets.  Two the first time and 3 the second time. The pictures were hanging on the fridge and we looked at them every morning. We were blessed to get pictures of them. In my mind and heart they were living beings.  Eventhough they never got to see what its like here on earth, I will still think of them.  Our little embabies as we called them. 
    God has a plan for our lives and it is different then we had expected, but we are thrilled and excited.  People make plans and God laughs.  His plan is much bigger for us.

Oh Christmas tree

    We began our weekend by going to pick out our christmas tree. We loaded it into the truck bed and then carried it into the house.  The whole time I kept thinking this just may be our last Christmas with just the two of us. 
    Today was a day spent decorating the Christmas tree.  As I hung every ornament on the tree, I couldn't help but hope and pray that next year would be our babies first Christmas.   We would hang an extra stocking on the fireplace and a "babies 1st Christmas" ornament on the tree.  I hope and pray our wish for next year comes true.   I dream of putting out homemade ornaments made by our children, stringing popcorn around the tree and singing Christmas carols as we decorate the tree together.
Tomorrow will mark 8 months since we started down the road to adoption and this week it will be 1 month of waiting for a match.   I've never wished time away, but I'm ready for 2013 to arrive because when it does, it hopefully will bring us the best gift we will ever receive, an extra stocking, and we will be a family of 3.

I wonder

Every night I lay my head on my pillow and wonder where you are.  I think about what it will feel like to get the call that you have arrived or are soon on your way. I think about what it will feel like to hear the sound of your cry.  I think about the moment we will hold you in our arms.  Will you be minutes old or a month old?  Will you know that we are mommy and daddy?  Will you be a boy or a girl?
  I think about what color of skin you will have. Will your hair be straight or curly?  Will your eyes be blue or brown or hazel or green?  Will you play sports like your daddy or will you be more into music like your mommy?

These are all thoughts that run through my mind.  But I know that no matter what you become or what you will look like, I know you are ours.   Created by God for us.  Blessing us with the most amazing gift we could ever receive.   You will be our child.  We cannot wait to meet you and hold you and love you.  Actually, we already do love you.