Joy in the journey

One month ago a little boy entered this world and changed the lives of so many.  Today is an exciting and difficult day.  Today he will join our family as our son.  With our excitement,  there will also be tears.  His birth family loves him with all they have.  His birth mama & daddy, grandparents, uncles/aunts and extended family will hurt today, but we pray they find joy in the journey as well.  You see, this little guy is not losing them. They are an extension of him that will never be replaced or removed.  Our promise to you is that we will love him as much as you do and do our absolute best every single day to be the parents to him that God made us to be.  We will talk about you and pray for you every day. He will know you by name and remain in your lives. This is our promise to you. 
And to this little boy who will now call me mommy.   I love you.  I have loved you from the very second the thought of you joining our lives crossed my heart.   I look forward to seeing you with your big brother and watching you learn and grow, get into dirt, play with bugs (just no snakes, at least don't chase your mama haha) and be the man that God intends you to be.  My promise to you is I will love you no matter what.  I will be the shoulder you cry on and the one cheering you on at your sporting events. I love you sweet boy and welcome to our crazy, fun and amazing family.   We are happy you are here and cannot wait to see where life takes you.  There is so much joy in this journey.   Welcome to it.

3 years ago

3 years ago today we were going about our lives, preparing for our future child, but completely unaware that our lives would change the very next day. The next day we would get the news that a baby boy had been born.  Today I snuggle that 3 year old (a rarity these days) and soak it all up. What a blessing he has been to us.  We've had many struggles, in fact,  I just wrestled a screaming kid into a pull up, but I wouldn't change it for the world. When we began our walk through adoption,  I had no idea how much joy and happiness would result from it. I thought I knew, but I didn't fully understand until I held him in my arms for the first time.   Thankful is not a big enough word.  Now as I snuggle this sweet boy, I think of another sweet little boy who has my heart as well.  We are right in the middle of another adoption of a sweet little boy.  I will be mommy to two little boys in a few short weeks.  When I held this little guy for the first time,  my heart exploded just as much as it did the first time I held J in my arms.  Adoption has given me the gift of motherhood.   My heart will forever be changed for the better.  We love their birth parents for allowing us to love and care for their children as our own.  They are gifts from God, given to us.  We will never know how to repay or thank them enough,  but we do promise this, we will love them, care for them and teach them about God.  These 2 little boys are our greatest treasure on this earth.  I still cannot believe our family of 4 is almost complete.   Someone please pinch me, but then again, please don't,  because this is the best dream come true.

1st doctor's appointment

Yesterday we were able to attend baby's first doctor's appointment outside of the hospital.   It was so nice we were invited and I was fighting back tears because we've never experienced one before.  The doctor was so nice and included us in all of the conversations.  This sweet little boy has lost a little bit of weight since birth, but has gained 4 ounces since discharge from the NICU so that was nice to see.  He now weights a tiny 5lbs 7oz.  We are so happy he is gaining!  This sweetie was born with a cleft lip and palate, which are both located on his left side. This wasn't a suprise to us and we were definitely willing to take on the responsibility that comes along with this defect. The reason he was in the NICU for the first 5 days of his life was because he couldn't quite figure out how to eat and breathe at the same time and he would get tired fast trying,  so they gave him a feeding tube during that time.  He since has figured it out and is doing wonderful!  He will require surgery around 2-3 months for his lip repair and then again around 6-9 months old for the palate.  
There is still a lot of stuff to get done before we can bring him home to our state.   His birth parents are still doing all of the necessary stuff required by law.  There is also a paper that is required for us to bring him across state lines and that cannot be processed until birthparents finish their stuff.  They are doing all they can to keep this going smooth.   Meanwhile,  he is discharged into the care of a temporary care plan.  We have met this person and she is wonderful.  We have no doubt he will be very well cared for.   This morning we began the 17 hour drive home to see our other sweet boy.  We have missed him so much and he is so excited to be a big brother!  So much in fact, he decided to get potty trained at grandma's because the baby has to wear the diapers!  We are so proud of him!  It was very hard leaving baby's state and I shed a lot of tears as we drove away, but I trust that God will get the necessary paperwork processed as fast as possible for us so that we can be a family of 4.  Please continue to pray for our family during the weeks ahead that we are separated from him.  We love you baby boy and we cannot wait for you to come home!

Our journey to a family of 4

Feb. 28, 2016

After church today as I was writing out my grocery list, my phone rang.  When I saw who it was my heart started pounding fast and my stomach starting turning.  The person on the other end was a very good friend of mine.  Normally when I get a call from a friend my reaction isn't like that, but this time was different. This friend said to me "is your hubby home?  Can you put him on speaker?"  And so this begins....our journey to begin as a family of 4....we hope.

We have known about a situation, but it was also something that we put into God's hands to work out the details.  This is scary for us.  We don't know what will happen, but we do know this, this little boy is due in 10 days and God is at work in this. Our friend put us in touch with these expectant parents and it is a connection that I could have only dreamt of.  I don't believe it's coincidence that this friend and I met many years ago.  I feel God was at work back then. So tonight I pray hard.  I am scared and not sure what will happen, but God does and I trust Him as he leads us down the path we should follow.  Lord I ask that you calm my anxious heart.  Tomorrow night we will Skype with the expectant parents.   Prayers that this conversation calms all of our nerves and helps answer any questions we might have.

Feb. 29, 2016 5:00am
We just received a phone call at 3:40 AM.  The expectant mom has gone to the hospital and she is dilated to 4cm.  Her water has broke.   So baby will be born on leap year.   My heart is racing.  I am not sure what to do.  We have a ton of stuff legally to get done and I have no idea where to begin. I am anxious for daylight so that I can talk with our social worker.  We might be taking a road trip very soon.

Feb. 29, 2016

This afternoon I had a very nice conversation with this baby's birthmom.  I am so amazed by her strength and courage.  I have good feelings about this but am cautiously excited.  I am trusting God to lead the way and hold all of our hands through this process.   I cannot begin to understand the thoughts that are running through their minds,  but I do know this, they love this little one beyond words.  Nothing will ever change that.   God is at work and we trust him. Meanwhile, the stack of paperwork sits on our counter.  Let that all begin...

March 1, 2016

We had our home visit with our social worker this morning.   For the first time since this began I am starting to feel somewhat  (using that word lightly) organized.  Things seem to be falling into place.   There are still a lot of unknowns to navigate through, but we are doing this as a team.  It is crazy the amount of people it takes to get things started in an adoption situation.   Birthmom sent us a photo of baby.  Baby is SO precious and we can't help but get a little excited.   We keep reminding ourselves God's time, not ours.

March 1 5:15pm

We just received this message:
"Hey guys I just wanted to let you know that we would like you to adopt our son."

After reading that I screamed.  Branden was in the bathroom and I knocked on the door and told him to get out NOW!  We then cried in the arms of eachother.   I cannot explain what it feels like when you hear the news that you are going to be parents and he's already been born.  This is the second time this has happened to us.  Our boys will share a very similar story of how we learned of them.  Our first we had 12 days notice, this time we had 12 hours.  God has a sense of humor.

March 3, 3pm
We are getting everything organized to head out to the state birthparents and baby are in.  We will leave Sunday morning.   I am a basket of emotions.   Our son will stay with his grandparents so we can focus on them and this situation.   We keep asking God to hold our hands through all of this.  Baby remains in the hospital,  but is doing well.  Arrangements have been made for him if he is discharged before our stuff is all complete. My friend  (the one who first introduced us to this situation) arrived there today and she said that baby is doing wonderful and the birth family has been talking about how excited they are to see us.  We cannot wait.

March 6, 2016
Today we began the drive to go and meet this little boy and his birth family.   I have been an emotional wreck.  One moment I'm in tears and the next I feel like I could lose my lunch.  All of these feelings are normal.   I am having flash backs of the drive we made 3 years ago to meet J's birthmom.  So many feelings come flooding back.  Meanwhile,  J is having a blast at grandma & papa's house playing and riding on grandpa's tractor.   We are so grateful they were able to take him so we can focus on meeting everyone in this little guy's birth family.   I received a message today from one of her relatives and she said how excited she was for us to come and what a blessing we have been to this birthmom and her family.   I reassured them that they have been a blessing to us!  Without birthparents we would not be parents.  For that,  we are forever grateful. Baby boy got discharged today.   He does have some medical needs that will require surgery and we are completely ready to take on those as they come our way.  Meanwhile,  I cannot wait to hold him!

March 7, 2016
Today we met baby boy's birth mama & daddy.   We had a wonderful and emotional conversation with them about all of their hopes and dreams for him.  His birth daddy summed it up best "we just want him to be happy and well cared for."  We promise to do our best to honor those wishes!  We met them again for lunch and baby boy & his birth paternal grandma was along as well.  There were many tears shed, but they reassured us that this adoption will take place and that we can begin announcing it.  Our hearts are exploding. We were invited to his doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon.   We are anxious to attend and see how he is doing.

Emotions

Adoption is a roller coaster ride of emotions.   I've said that a million times and I will say it a million more.  All the unknowns and what ifs, the paperwork and waiting, the tears and fears, the stress and anticipation are all worth it in the end, but let me just say it straight,  it all sucks in the process.   Putting all of our fears aside and putting complete trust in God to handle it can be very difficult sometimes.  I feel like there are days I just want to curl up in a corner and throw a temper tantrum like my son does.  I want to kick and scream and shout "I don't wanna" over and over again.   But then I take a deep breath, step back for a moment and say a prayer.  It's the same prayer I have been saying for quite sometime and it comes directly from the mouth of a great friend of mine who happens to be a foster mama.  It's simple,  but so powerful.  "Lord I don't know what will happen, but you do and I trust you." 
This is a reminder to me each time I say it that I am not in control of what happens in our parenting journey.   I have never been in control  (I've definitely tried to take over the drivers seat) but ultimately God's plan was way better anyway.   I just need to let Him drive.   So easy to say, much harder to do.  It is a constant struggle but I am trying every single day to let Him lead the way.  When I feel like I can't handle it I say my little prayer and suddenly I am calm. 
Lord, I don't know what will happen,  but you do and I trust you.  Amen

Sometimes I wonder...

As I relax at the end of my night, I am reminded about how incredibly awesome and exhausting this parenthood gig is.  What an honor it is that God has trusted us to be the parents of a busy almost 3 year old (Yikes! How did that happen so fast?)  I also take a moment to think about the little one who will join our family one day and make our son a big brother, completing our desires to be the parents of 2 little kiddos.

I wonder if you already have been created by God or if He is still planning that out.

How are your first mommy & daddy doing?   I pray for them already and hope that God is walking beside them as they make the best decision for you and your future.

What will you look like?

I wonder where you are.

Are you a boy or a girl?

What heritage will we embrace in our family?

These are all questions that run through my mind on a regular basis, but the most important question I have is this: Will I please God and the birth family who trust me to be the best mommy I know how to be? Because frankly, when another woman places her child in your arms forever, the responsibility is not taken lightly.   I made a vow to our son's birth mom that I would do my very best, and I work hard every single day to honor that.  The same rings true for the baby we are waiting for.  I love a child that I've never met.  I also love his/her birth family.   I pray for you. I wait for you and sometimes I wonder where you are.

Networking

We have created a social media page to get our faces out all around the country.   We feel that there is someone somewhere who will see it and put us in touch with an expectant mother.   I know God has got this.  We just have to take the first steps.  So here we are God.  Trusting you to lead the way.  The ball is in your court and I am trusting you.  You did it before and you'll do it again.  I believe that with all of my heart.

Every day is a winding road

When we were going through our adoption journey with J, I found it so therapeutic to write about it.  So now I am turning to writing again to help me get through the struggles along the way to having baby #2.  Those who've never gone through infertility struggles and adoption wait, cannot fully grasp the difficulty of the long journey.   Not only did we wait for almost 7 difficult years to have our first son, now we are going on 7 months of waiting just to get in with our agency again, with who knows how long of a wait to follow. I'm not looking for sympathy.   I don't expect anyone to fully understand unless they've experienced it, but I would love some prayers. We received news last week that our agency will not be opening up the program that we used to adopt J because of low placement rates and have no plans to do so until some of the 30+ families receive placements. So now, we have the difficult decision of what to do.  We need to decide first if we want to continue the road to have another baby.  If so, we need to find a national agency and open it up to all 50 states.  With that, comes a lot more added financial stress as well as travel expenses.   Nothing about the journey has been easy, so I'm not sure why I expected this to be.  The only thing I know for certain is this: God has it all figured out already.   He is just patiently waiting for us to pick which path we want to walk down.   I am casting my worries on to Him to figure out all the details.  Sometimes I wonder how in the world we will make this work.  I'm sure God just smiles and says to himself "just trust me."  It's so difficult to do when you have the fear of the unknown.  God I do trust you.   I know that you will make this happen if it is meant to.  So today I CAST THAT THING and I ask that you help ease my fear and worries. 

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."
1 Peter 5:7