A letter to my son's first mommy

To the beautiful woman who gave my son life, you may not know it, or maybe you do, I think about you every day.  To the sweet girl who put her emotions aside, despite her pain and fear,  to make the most difficult decision of her life, and in turn, allow me to be a mother, I thank you. 

Sometimes you cross my mind a hundred times a day.  I wonder how you are or what you're doing.  Each day when I pick our son up out of his crib and kiss his cheek, I think of you.  When he runs to grab the blue bear and yellow crocheted blanket, that you so lovingly handed to me the day you placed him in my arms, I think of you.  When I'm washing dishes and look up to see him playing trucks on the floor, or throwing cars across the room, I think of you.  When he is crying because his teeth are bugging him or he isn't feeling well, I think of you. When I'm kissing owies and bandaging scraped knees, I think of you. When we practice saying your name and he says it with a smile, I think of you.  When we read our bible stories and pray for you at night, I think of you. Every minute of every day I think of you. When I feel like I'm messing up and not doing the greatest job, I think of you.

I think about how much of a blessing it is that you trusted me enough to be his mommy.  Sometimes I still cannot believe it!  I want you to know that I will always love you fully and unconditionally.  You will always be on my mind.  I look at our son and I see you.  You have created a beautiful little boy.  He is proud of his first mommy and what you are doing in your life.  I hope that you are proud of the little boy we are raising him to be.  I hope you're proud of me.  When I look at the mother that I've become, I think of you.

Little eyes are watching

Both my husband and my son are napping and I'm caught up on laundry!  So I'm sitting down,  drinking coffee and taking a moment to think about the sermon at church this morning.   Today's message was talking about helping children out of spiritual poverty and teaching your children about Jesus from the very second they are just a flicker in your imagination.   I didn't get to listen to the whole sermon because just as it was starting to be very good, my son pooped his pants.  Go figure.   I did, however, get back just in time for our pastor to say something similar to this : Teach your children about Jesus. If you don't have children, find some.  There are kids everywhere who need to be released from spiritual poverty.  There are many who don't know the love of Jesus and are feeling empty and lonely.   They also sang the song "I Want To Be Just Like You." This song had me in tears.  It is a great reminder of why it is so important to be a good example to our children.  My husband is a wonderful daddy and I'm so happy our son looks up to him. I am the best mommy I know how to be and I know my son thinks so too, even if there are times I feel like I'm messing up.  It has and always will be my prayer that God help us be the parents we need to be.  We hope that he will always know the love Jesus has for him.  My sweet boy, I promise to always try my hardest to teach you about Jesus through bible stories, songs and by my actions each day in this life.   I hope that your daddy and I will be a living bible, a good example and a safe place for you to fall.  Jesus is helping us along this journey as your parents. 
We know your little eyes are watching and we pray you are learning from our example.  We love you.

I Want To Be Just Like You
        By: Phillips, Craig & Dean

He climbs in my lap for a goodnight hug
He calls me Dad and I call him Bub
With his faded old pillow and a bear named Pooh
He snuggles up close and says "I want to be like you"
I tuck him in bed and I kiss him goodnight
Trippin' over the toys as I turn out the light
And I whisper a prayer that someday he'll see
He's got a father in God 'cause he's seen Jesus in me

Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me

Got to admit I've got so far to go
Make so many mistakes and I'm sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can't get it all right
But I'm trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
'Cause I know that he'll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me
Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it's only 'cause I'm learning from the best Father of them all

What I've learned from Infertility

On almost a daily basis and because of my openness about my infertility struggles,  I encounter women who deal with the demon of infertility.   Each of us cope with it differently.   Most of us are angry and all of us can't understand why we are going through it.  I am not going to sugar coat this entry.  Infertility SUCKS!  It is equivalent to the devil.  If there was a curse word to describe it, it would be the nastiest curse word.  It causes you to feel emotions and bitterness that you never imagined you could feel. It makes you angry at every pregnant woman you see, including your own family members.  It causes you to question your faith and gives you feelings of anger towards God for allowing this to happen. Many who've never experienced it will tell you, as they did me, that there are worse things.   Yes that's true.  Infertility won't kill you, so yes I guess they're right.  But without a family, some people feel so incredibly empty inside and it can lead to bigger issues. Depending on their diagnosis, Infertility can cause physical pain each month, which is also a constant reminder to them about their inability to conceive.  I was fortunate enough to have a large infertility support group who understood exactly how I was feeling.  We also found a great group of doctors and nurses who helped us emotionally.  Through it all, we ultimately decided that we wanted to be parents and adoption was our path.  The path we were destined to take from the beginning.  It wasn't an easy road, it was just as difficult.   Just a different kind of difficult. I still think about my infertility and how it has affected me.  I wouldn't change a thing because it's formed me into the wife, mother, sister, daughter & friend that I am today.   But through it all, I am able to look back at the years we struggled to conceive and learn from them.  I've learned so much from infertility.  It was a constant reminder that I was not in charge.  I couldn't control what my body did, no matter how many IVF cycles we did.  It taught me patience.   Lots and lots of patience.  So many times I wanted to hurry things up so that I could see the end result. I learned slowly, very very slowly,  that it didn't work that way. It has helped me understand the women who come to me for support.   I am there to listen and pray with them.  I will share my experience a million times if it means that our story will help just 1 person who struggles.  Infertility has taught me so much.  Most importantly it's taught me to trust God.   He decided how we became parents and gave me infertility so that I would fully understand the pain of it all.  Afterall, unless you've walked in someone's shoes, you can't fully understand.   I've walked in some pretty large infertility shoes, I may have tripped and fallen along the way, but God helped me up. He'll help you too.  Just take his hand and let him lead the way.

All that is parenthood

This weekend was a weekend spent with just us.  My Friday night was spent watching my husband and son play while I prepared a dozen freezer meals to store for the next month. We were in bed by 10:30pm. We started out our Saturday morning bright and early laying in bed with a little boy, his blanky and his dump trucks.  We played vroom vroom and watched him giggle as he tried to drive his trucks on our old grumpy dog.  I found myself playing referee several times to keep him from hurting our poor old dog.  Then my husband did what every wife dreams of, he took our son to eat breakfast in the kitchen and brought me coffee in bed.  I love that man! This allowed me time to relax and read my morning devotion.   It also got me thinking about what life was like before I earned the title of mommy. I will share more about that in a minute.
  We then spent our afternoon sledding in the back yard for the very first time.  I took a ton of pictures.  I am a self-admitted photoholic. Our night concluded with a date night at home.  We ordered take out, rented a movie and drank wine in our pj's on the couch.  We were in bed by 11pm.  Sunday morning was a lot like Saturday morning, give or take a few trucks and books.  We skipped church.  God will forgive me.  We watched football, made blanket forts in the living room and just enjoyed our weekend. It was amazing and busy. It was fun.  It was filled with a few temper tantrums over nonsense, that were quickly followed by "I sorry mama", it was filled with poopy diapers and dirty hands. It was everything I pictured parenthood to be. 
It was nothing like my life before I was a mama. 

Life before I was a mama went something like this:

It took me 30 seconds to get out the door and on my way to where I was going.

I would spend my Friday or Saturday nights out to dinner with my husband and friends. 

I would go to bed late and sleep in late.

The only mouths I worried about feeding were my husband, myself and the dog.

I spent my days off during the week alone with just my coffee and the dvr.

The only butt I wiped was my own.

When I cleaned my house it stayed clean.

The only person I had to keep alive was myself.

Life was good with just myself and my husband, but life felt incomplete.  

My brain constantly thought about being a mommy and life was filled with emotional ups and downs with each negative pregnancy test.

Life was different.  My faith was different. My priorities were different. 

Parenthood changes a person.  It causes you to rethink your priorities in life and it makes you look "boring" to all of your single friends.  But to that little one who calls you mama, building a blanket fort in the living room, or sledding in the backyard, makes you one "cool" mama. It makes you worry about a person, other then yourself 24/7.  It has you talking to God throughout your day.  Sometimes it's just a "God please help me get through this day."  It makes life interesting and fulfilling. It keeps life exciting and humorous.  That, my friends, is all that is Parenthood.

Infertility and adoption advocacy

For over 8 years, our life had revolved around infertility treatments, doctors visits, adoption worker visits and tons and tons of paperwork.  It was a rollercoaster ride, but worth it all when we held our son for the first time in our adoption office.   We have completely closed the door for any further infertility treatments, but the adoption door remains open for our future.  I can look back now and know with 100% certainty that we were supposed to be parents through adoption.  We want to have one more child and sometimes I find myself struggling with when the right time is.  I'm sure that's a normal feeling of anyone deciding when to have more children.   But it has me thinking a lot lately.  I have been asked many times already when we will adopt again. The answer is I'm not sure when.  We are trusting in God's plan this time to lead the way and give us a timeline.  He did a pretty amazing job last time and we are trusting He will do it again in HIS timing.  I do know this though, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my personal experience with infertility to help others who are going through it.  I also will have our son's adoption journey to help others with the fear that sometimes is associated with the unknowns of adoption.   I want to be an ear to listen when someone needs to cry about that failed IVF or adoption placement.   I do understand fully the pain and emotions of it all.  God gave me infertility for a reason.  He definitely tested my faith in him at times.  Then He blessed us with our son.  The son who was meant to be ours.  Through the process,  we gained strength and faith, and because of that, are able to help those who are hurting.  I am, and will continue to be an advocate for those trying to grow their family.   No matter how you get there, trust in God to lead the way.   His perfect plan will work out as it's supposed to if you just trust him.  You will find peace and understanding when you hold that precious gift from God, the gift that God hand selected to be yours.   No matter how you become a parent,  know it's the way you were meant to become a parent.

A cracker and a blue cup

I cannot believe I am planning a 2nd birthday party for you my sweet boy. There are so many times that I want time to slow down, but then I'm curious about what you'll learn next.  You are constantly keeping me on my toes and make me laugh all the time. Today when you asked for daddy and I told you he was in the bathroom, your response was priceless.  "Pooping? Peeeeew!" 

Awww motherhood....... The amazing and beautiful gift of motherhood.   I know I was put on this earth to be your mama.  You have shown me how to love in ways I never thought were possible.  You have proven to me that I can function on minimal sleep and extra strong coffee.  Most importantly you have shown me what it's like to love a complete stranger in a matter of a millisecond.   You my sweet boy, have given me a new perspective on life in only a matter of two years.  I am incredibly blessed to be your mommy and thank God every single second of every day for you, your birthmom and dad and their families.   I love you my sweet boy.  I will always love you, even when you throw a temper tantrum over a cracker and a blue cup.