Happy 1 year adoption finalization!

October 14, 2014

My sweet blue eyed boy,
I cannot believe that one year ago we sat in a courtroom and took an oath that legally made you our son in the eyes of the law. Today is one more day we will celebrate every year.  You get three parties every year! Your birthday, placement day and finalization day are all days we'll celebrate every year.  Some years maybe we'll have your favorite meal, or go to your favorite park or just sit down on the couch and watch Rio.  (Right now that is your FAVORITE cartoon,  so that is what we will do today!)
  I remember sitting on that stand and my attorney was asking me questions.   She asked if I would love you and care for you as if I'd given birth to you, untiI the day I die.  I didn't hesitate for one millisecond to answer yes.  I remember asking myself that very same question before we even began the adoption process and long before God brought you into this world.  I cannot believe I even had to ask myself that question.  In my defense, adoption was scary to me.  I was very much uninformed, but thankfully that was quickly changed.  I want you to know that not a moment goes by that I don't think to myself how precious of a gift you are to me and your daddy.   We love you beyond words. There is absolutely no earthly treasure that is greater then the love you have brought us. Being a mommy is tough work, but it is the most rewarding and the greatest job on earth. I will absolutely, without question, love you and care for you until the day I no longer walk this earth. You are my sweet, very strong willed, happy, sometimes crabby, busy, curious, talkative and precious blue eyed 19 month old baby boy who loves trucks and trains and legos and books.  Tons and tons of books! I thank God for you.  
I will never forget the judge saying to me as I was getting off the stand,"I have one more question.   Is he ALWAYS this smiley?"  My reply was yes.   Your smile will light up a room and don't even get me started on your belly laughs.  You are a happy little boy and I am so overjoyed and blessed that you call me mama. I look forward to watching you grow.  Although I'd prefer you slow down a little. You are getting too big too fast, but it is oh so fun!  There will be a day that you won't want to snuggle and watch cartoons,  so today I will enjoy it and celebrate YOU! I LOVE YOU!

God runs this show

When I was a little girl I had dreams of what my life would be like.  I would drive a Porsche, get married to prince charming,  live in a mansion, have a dog and then have 2 children.  At least that is what would happen every time I'd play the game MASH.  It's funny how you think of life as a kid.  You never imagine that life will throw a curveball into your "dream life." 
When I reflect on where life has taken me over the past 33 years, I can't help but thank God.  He has tested me for sure.  He's given me struggles and pain, but He's given me incredible joy after it.  It makes me think more and more about the power of faith.  
When we began our journey to parenthood in 2008 I couldn't ever imagine we'd have such difficulties.   Afterall, I believed that my husband and I were a couple so in love that God would give us a child.   I never pictured I would have to wait so long.  Then after years of trying the old fashioned way we turned to fertility treatments.   This was a road I never thought I'd even consider.  I didn't want to play God, however I wanted a child, so I was bound and determined to get pregnant.   Many years of doctors and many years of negative pregnancy tests was a true test of my faith in God.  I found myself questioning Him all the time.  I was so focused on pregnancy that I never stepped back and looked at what God WAS doing in my life.  He had a plan that was so much better and greater then mine, but I never took the time to actually let His plan work for my life.  It wasn't until 2012 and the weeks leading up to our final frozen embryo transfer, that I actually reflected on God's plan.  I was being lead more and more towards adoption.  God was softening my heart and opening my eyes to how wonderful adoption could be in our lives.  We welcomed our sweet boy into our family in the spring of 2013, and in doing so we welcomed his birth family too.  We have gained an extended family.  I cannot begin to explain the love we have in our hearts for his birth parents.   God's plan still gives me goosebumps.   I cannot believe this is my life.  I am able to be home with him,  be the wife God wants me to be, and join a wonderful bible study group of moms.  I cannot imagine becoming a mom any other way.  I am a mom, a wife to my prince charming, I drive an SUV, don't live in a mansion (but it is my dream home), I have a very old dog, and I have a beautiful 18 month old son.  We hope to have one more through adoption, but are waiting on God's perfect plan.  After all,  He runs my life.  I give Him control.  I used to sit in the drivers seat, but now I'm the passenger and I try not to be a backseat driver.  The game of MASH was somewhat accurate,  but there should have been a spot that said "God runs this show."

Life is good

Yesterday I celebrated another birthday.   Another year older.   Hopefully,  another year wiser.  This is the second birthday I have been able to share with the little boy who calls me mama.  We spent the day playing trucks, legos, blocks, telephone and running from one end of the house to the other all...day...long...chasing the dog who was running from the wild monkey boy who kept throwing his trucks at him.  I had a chai in my hand ( although it was cold and barely gone) and a smile on my face.  There  isn't any other way I would have wanted to spend my 33rd birthday.   These were the moments I dreamt about only a few short years ago.  There was a time when I wondered if these moments would ever happen. 
I look at motherhood through different eyes then some.  Our journey to parenthood was a struggle to say the least.  I cherish these moments.  Yes I still complain about the middle of the night wake up calls from a crabby, teething little boy.  I still will dread the loads of laundry and cleaning up the spills on the floor and the finger prints everywhere, and don't even get me started on the toy tornado that ripped havoc through the living room, and the temper tantrums from our little man can be brutal and exhausting for all involved!  However, I understand fully that children are a gift from God.  They are borrowed to us from God, for how long, we don't know.  So I will cherish this gift and soak up every second I get to be his mommy.  He is a wonderful present.  Better then any material item I could ever receive.   I thank God for my rock star husband.  Because of him I can be the stay at home mom I always wanted to be and experience every milestone. 
  God is great.  My husband rocks!  Life.Is.Good!

From semi-open to open adoption

When we began the adoption journey we had little understanding about open adoption.  It was very scary to us.  After talking it over with our adoption counselor,  we decided that semi-open was what we wanted.  We would keep in touch through pictures and letters, meet occasionally at the agency but they wouldn't know our address or last name.  After having our son home for a year, we are at a place in our lives and in our relationship with J's birth family that open adoption isn't so scary.  In fact, last weekend J's birth mother's mom & dad came to his first birthday party at our house.  They were there to watch him open presents (eat the paper) and have his cake (he touched it and then wanted nothing to do with it).  They met our parents and my sister.  There were some tears shed by all of us, but J's birth grandmother said it best "I am so happy to see that he has such a great family and friends."  He also has a pretty incredible birth family.   We have been blessed to have them involved in our lives and the life of our son as well.  We hope that seeing our relationship as he grows will only make J appreciate the life he has been given even more.  He has an amazing group of people who love him like crazy.  We are all blessed beyond measure because of open adoption.   I never in a million years would have thought that I'd invite these people into our personal lives and have them over to our house.  God had other plans.  Plans that are wonderful and I'm so grateful that I'm not the one in charge of my life.

ONE!

I just baked cupcakes for my son who turns 1 tomorrow.  ONE! I cannot believe how fast its gone.  A year ago we were going about our daily lives, fully unaware that our son was about to make his arrival into this world.  We wouldn't know he existed until 15 days later,  but know he was brought into this world for us to be his parents.  One year ago, his birth mom was laboring and making the toughest decision of her entire life.  I cannot believe how strong and wonderful she is.  God has blessed us beyond words and we thank him every day for the gift He has brought us.  My baby will be one.  He is a busy, strong-willed,  funny, happy, sweet and adorable one year old.  I cannot imagine life without him and don't remember life before him.  Thank you God for helping his birth parents create a beautiful life for our son.  We are so amazed by your faithfulness. While we were wondering how much longer we'd wait, you had already brought him into this world,  we just weren't aware of it.  He was the best surprise ever!

New Year's Resolutions

    This morning while I drank my cup of coffee and relaxed with my feet up, oh wait, that didn't happen.  I have a 10 month old.  Lets rephrase that. 
    This morning as I chased my 10 month old around, coffee in hand, telling him "No.  Owie. No.  Yucky. No.  Don't chew on that."  I took the time to smile and laugh each time.  I still can't believe this is my life.  I know I say it all of the time, but am I dreaming?   Do I really get to be this little boy's mommy?  Someone pinch me please!  Everyone always told me the phrases like motherhood will change your life.  Its the best job ever but also the hardest.  Enjoy your free time because you won't have it again until he's 18. Or I have to laugh at this one, Just wait until he poops on you. 
    I would listen to this so-called "advice" from moms who've been through it before and shrug it off.   After so many years of trying to grow our family,  to put it honestly,  I was sick of everyone's advice.  First they were giving me tips on how to get knocked up, which believe me, I'm sure I'd tried long before they suggested it, and now they're giving me parenting advice. They hadn't walked in my shoes,  so they sure as heck don't know a thing about it,  is what I'd think to myself,  but now life is different.

It's that time of year where people start making resolutions for the new year.  I was talking with a client of mine last night and I said to her that my resolution this year will be to not have one, but then today I started thinking.   There have been so many times in the past few years that I've become bitter by someone's attempt to just be helpful.   Whether it would be from advice about conceiving,  advice about infertility treatments, their views on adoption and now parenting advice.   It made me wonder if these people and their advice were placed into my life as a test from God to see how I would react? Was God wondering If I would snap at the lady who told me "What?  You can't have kids.  That sucks!"  Was God testing my reaction to the person who told me "If you were meant to be a mom, you'd be pregnant."
These comments were rude and hurtful, yet I survived and I didn't bite their heads off, although I wanted to.  I think I passed His test.
So this year as I think about a new year's resolution I've decided I do need to make a resolution.  In fact, I'm making two.  My first resolution will be to accept people's advice , no matter what it is, as a teaching from God.  He brings people into my life for a reason.   We will never know that reason.   Sometimes its to open your eyes to what you've been doing wrong and other times its to reassure you that you are doing things right.   My second resolution will be to always give my son my undevided attention. (Don't worry, he's napping so its ok to be blogging.)  When there are times that I'm chasing him and exhausted,  which are a lot these days, I will look to God and give thanks.  He gave me this beautiful gift of motherhood.  It is a tough job and it is the best job and as a mom I can now give advice too, you see, I might just be put on this earth to test another mother.  It might even be you.