Reflecting on 2013

I stumbled upon a message from a friend this morning that was written to me on March 30, 2012.  This was the day we found out our frozen embryo transfer had not worked.   This is just a small portion of our conversation.  "My heart hurts for you guys, however God's plan is greater than what our plan is. Being able to put your faith and trust in Jesus through the difficult times is what will get you through. Today my cousin posted a song by Laura Story called Perfect Peace. You seriously need to listen to it...It talks about letting Jesus bear your load because he gives you perfect peace, though this life is hard, know that I will always give you perfect peace!"  This was my response: "I will never understand why I have had the struggles that I have, but I do trust God and know one day he will answer all my questions and explain it all to me.  In the mean time, I just need to trust that he knows what he's doing.  I will be a mom someday!"
    So today I reflect on 2013 with the biggest smile on my face and my little monkey asleep in his crib (although he cried and faught it, but only for a minute.  Mommy knows best). Its so hard to believe I've been a mom for almost 9 months already.   My wild, strong-willed, smiley, busy, blue eyed almost 10 month old blessing has taught me so much in 9 months. He's taught me that sleep is overrated, the simplest things are hillarious ( who knew saying BA BA BA could cause incredible laughter?)  He's taught me that life is so interesting and everything is fun!
Another lesson is that people come into your life for a reason.  They give you strength when you don't think you have it.  Some people come into your life when you least expect it.  It even happens when you are applying hair color on a client!  I can laugh now about the day we found out about this little 2 week old who we now call our son.  Yes, I had a client in my chair.   I remember the emotions I felt, the days that followed, and the incredible respect I had for J's birth mother and father.  When we met them a few days later, I remember telling his birth mother that I love her.  I explained to her how strange it felt to tell someone that you've just met that you love them, but I did then and still do. I have an incredible respect for the decision she made, putting her own feelings aside, to make the plan for the future of her son.  She loved him so much & knew he'd not have the life she wanted for him if she parented him.  Then she chose us, people she'd never met, to care for and love him for the rest of his life.  If God wasn't at work in this situation,  I'm not sure who was! 
We continue to have a relationship with his birth family.   We will always share a special bond and our son will always have people who love him unconditionally.  We will cherish the day forever when she placed him in our arms, gave him a kiss and told us she loved us. 
She was his mommy that gave him life & I'm the mommy who helps him live his life.  What a wonderful blessing.

    2013 has been the best year in our lives and marriage so far.  We look forward to 2014 when we move into our dream home. Although not nearly as exciting as 2013, but still extremely exciting!   We are building new memories with our little family.   God continues to bless us beyond measure. I'm so glad that I trusted His plan and followed my heart.  Sometimes it was very difficult and I questioned it, but I kept on keeping on and now we are praising Him and His wonderful glory.  God is good!

First visit with birth family today

When we began this adoption process in April of 2012, my perspective on open adoption was quite skewed.   If you asked me then what I thought about potential visits with our future child's birth mom or dad, I probably would've told you that would make me uncomfortable. If you suggested maybe even visiting our child's extended birth family, I may have thought that was a crazy idea.   I probably wouldn't have wanted it that way.  Afterall, I've watched Lifetime Movie Network a time or two and have seen how those stories turn out.  They never go well. 
Thank goodness I have since been very much educated about open adoption and how beneficial it is for not only our child, but for us and his birth family.

Today we sat down for nearly two hours in a room, all by ourselves, with two people who love our son unconditionally.   They are his birth grandparents.   They drove over 5 hours one way, just to see him for a short time.  They just sat there and stared at him, tears in their eyes, and thanked us over and over again for allowing them to be a part of our son's life.  They played with him, took a million pictures, smiled, laughed, cried and even fed him his bottle.  They brought him presents & even included a nice card for us along with a gift card to a local restaurant so we could have a date night.

We are so incredibly blessed to know our son is so loved by not only us & our family,  but by his birth family and extended birth family.   Open adoption will allow them to watch him grow throughout his life.  I'm so happy I was educated about openness in adoption.   What a blessing it is.

Its just a formality

Yesterday was such a wonderful day.  Yesterday our son became ours forever.   To hear the judge say that your son will be known as yours forever is just a formality.   In our hearts he already was ours.  This just made it legal through the government. It was a special day.  I cried happy tears and we celebrated afterwards with cake and dinner.  October 14th will always be a day we will celebrate.   We are so blessed for the amazing people in our lives who made this happen.  If it weren't for God and J's birthparents, we wouldn't have him.  We will continue to thank them every day.  We pray that some day J will understand the deep love they have for him.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to be this little man's mommy for the rest of his life, but I will never forget about the sacrifice his first mommy made.  She is our angel on earth. We thank God that she trusts us to care for and love him.  She won't be disappointed.   We have so much to share with him.

A new story begins

I've been thinking about this moment since the day we began this adoption journey almost 2 years ago.  The day has FINALLY arrived.  Tomorrow we will stand before a judge and be told that our son is legally ours forever.   He has been our son since the moment they placed him in our arms, but to hear that its legal now will give me goosebumps and bring me to tears.  We have waited a very long time to become parents and these past 6 1/2 months have been filled with the biggest blessing.  We are this little boys parents and will love him unconditionally until the day we die.  He has filled our lives with incredible joy.  I still pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.   God has blessed us with the sweetest blue eyed boy in the world.  God sure knew what he was doing when he chose him to be in our lives.  I'm so happy that our plan hadn't worked.  God had a much better one.  Adoption has given us the family we desired.  We look forward to watching our son grow and change every day.  Tomorrow we will close one chapter in our lives and begin a new one.  We will be a family forever. We cannot wait to write a new story.

Feeling blessed

Last night I shared my blog with someone who is considering adoption and noticed that I haven't written in a long time.  Life has been busy.  The best kind of busy!
As I type this, my 6 month old blessing is asleep in his swing.  Sometimes I still pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming!
  We just finished our last meeting with our social worker this morning.   Its hard to believe that this journey began over a year ago and in just a few short weeks will be coming to an end.  We will finalize our son's adoption in mid-October.   Our story will not end, its just beginning.   Our family is blessed with the most beautiful blue eyed little boy.  He laughs and smiles nonstop and continues to bless us and our family in ways we never imagined.  We are so grateful to all who helped us get to this point.   The support of our family,  friends, pastors, co-workers, social worker & attorney has been amazing and we couldn't have gotten to this point without all of you.  Thank you is not a big enough word for how we feel.  Most importantly,  we are forever grateful for J's birth family.   We continue to keep them updated on his life and will continue to do so.  We thank God every single day for bringing them into our lives and providing us with the greatest gift we will ever receive.  God has great plans for our son.  We cannot wait to see what the future holds for him. 

Baby J is 2 months old today!

Our little munchkin is 2 months old today and has been in our home for almost 5 weeks!  Man, time does fly when you're having fun!  My dad always tells me every year on my birthday "Time flies by the older you get.  One day they are babies, and then you blink and your baby is in her 30's".  I used to laugh this off.  But boy is it true.  These last 5 weeks have flown by.  I don't even want to imagine him growing bigger.  I'm soaking up every second.  I love my little man, my husband and the life we've created.  LIFE.IS.GOOD!  BUT it could slow down a little.

5 weeks old today

Its so hard to believe that our baby boy is 5 weeks old and has been officially a part of our family for 1 week.  This has been the most exciting and exhausting week of our lives, but we wouldn't change a second of it!  We are so incredibly blessed by the love and support from our family and friends.  God is so amazing and we are truly blessed to have you all help celebrate our little man's arrival.  As I sit here feeding him, I remember what it used to feel like to dream about this day.  I remember how much it hurt to hear another friend or family member was expecting.   I remember how it would hurt to get that invitation to yet another baby shower. Now we are making plans for baptism & I will be attending a baby shower for ME this weekend!  Let me tell you, I would experience every single bit of pain, tears, paperwork and failed fertility treatments over again.  It all led us to finding the little boy who was meant for us.  It took 6 years to get here.  But we all believe it took that long because our son wasn't in this world yet.

The day we became a family of 3

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days we've ever had.  We got to our agency and they put us in a private room.  We had gone into that room knowing it was possible that we may bring J home under legal risk (meaning the birth family could still change their minds because rights hadn't been fully terminated.)  This is what usually occurs in our state.  All birth mothers appear in court to terminate their rights in front of a judge and birth father paperwork needs to be present at that time too. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, so many adoptive couples bring their children home in legal risk.  We knew there was a chance our son's birth father paperwork may be delayed because he terminated in a different state and we were prepared for that.  
  Our worker came in and said she had great news.  J was our son legally.  I lost it.  I cried instantly and so was our worker.  To know one minute there was a chance he may not be ours and the next minute find out he is ours is a crazy emotion.   So before we even held our son we knew he was ours forever and were so in love with him.

J's birth mother, and her parents were present to present J to us forever.  We have never experienced such joy.  Through our joy, were lots of tears of sadness from his birth family. They held a beautiful ceremony with lighting of candles.  One for J, one for us, and one for the birthmother.  They also read a poem. It was beautiful.   We will be forever grateful for this amazing gift.  Our son will always know the magnitude of the love his birth family has for him.   As I write this my son is laying on my chest.  I'm forever grateful for the blessings adoption has brought to our family.  He's been our son legally for a little over 24hrs, and I already can't imagine my life without him.  Good thing I don't have to.

Today is the day!

April 2, 2013

  I woke up today with a smile on my face and knots in my stomach.  I have a feeling that, once again, Pepto Bismol will be my friend today.  Today is the day that J will join our family.  Through all our excitement and joy I can't help but feel sad for his birth parents.   They are the sweetest people and are giving us the greatest gift.  They will shed a lot of tears today.  So will we.  My prayer is that God will be with them and hold them close today. So I wanted this post to be about them.  

Thank you Lord for E & T.
Thank you for bringing them into our lives.  I ask that you hold E's hand in court today and help her through this tough time.  Let her never forget the love you have for her and the love we have for both of them.  Allow J to be a blessing and for him to always know how much E & T love him.  May they continue to be a source of happiness to him and may they always know how proud J is of them for making this selfless decision out of love for him.  Today we ask for strength for everyone involved and peace with outcome.  All of this we ask in your holy name.  AMEN

No April Fools joke here!

  I just got off the phone with our worker and am so excited I just might pee my pants!   The birth mother of baby J is scheduled to appear in court tomorrow to give her testimony to terminate her parental rights and we are picking him up tomorrow afternoon!  This doesn't feel real.  Now when we do bring him home its important for everyone to understand that he legally is NOT our son yet.  We are bringing him home in legal risk.  What that means is we are waiting for birth father's signed paperwork to arrive in our local court house.  When that does happen both of their rights will be terminated at the same time.  So there is always a chance of them changing their minds during that waiting period.  We don't think that will happen, but it is a possibility that our family & friends need to be aware of.
   We are meeting at our agency and birth mom is going to be there too because she wants to personally hand him to us.  Tomorrow will be the happiest day of our lives.   Of course with our excitement,  comes tears for J's birth family.  We will be forever grateful to them for giving us the greatest gift we will ever receive.  J will always know how much we love his birth parents and will be a part of his and our lives forever.   Our lives will change forever tomorrow.   Actually, they already have.  Adoption is such a blessing.

Thursday March 28, 2013

  Yesterday was quite the day.  There isn't a "meeting the birth parents" handbook.  I had to chug some pepto bismol before we left the house because I thought I would throw up.  Thank you Pepto!
We spent about 3 1/2 hrs.  in the office, but let me tell you, it was time well spent!  Honestly,  if we could have lined potential birth parents up and interviewed each of them, we'd choose them! Its crazy how God will bring people into your life!
  We first started out by having a phone conversation with J's birth father.  It was so nice to listen to him and my hubby talk about sports, camping, fishing and so much more.  They had a lot in common and I was so happy to learn that.  We were very nervous and it went so good.  It made us comfortable knowing that if J does become our son that we will be able to have BOTH of his birth parents involved in his life.  That was very important.  He shared with us his faith background and what he hopes his son will be able to achieve and have in life.  We agreed about terms and updates and he actually told us that he looks forward to speaking with us again.  So that made us feel good.
  After that meeting we were able to meet J's birth mother in person.  She was crying and we hugged.  There are so many similarities between our families.  From faith, to family values, to our father's military service and so so so much more. I told her so many times that she would be giving us the most amazing gift we'd ever receive and that there wouldn't be one single day that went by that we wouldn't thank God for her selfless decision.  We reassured her that she will continually be a part of J's life.  Not only is it important to us, its very important to both of them.  We agreed about terms and updates throughout his life. She shared some photos of him.  He is the cutest little boy with lots of dark hair.  He brought both smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes. She also shared the meaning behind his name.  It is so beautiful and we said that it will be his name forever. When we hugged to say goodbye we said "see you soon" and she smiled. Then they left. 
  After that we met privately with her worker. She said that the birth mom needs a few days to process this and to speak with her parents.   So its sounding more and more that he won't be here in our home for Easter.  But we will see what happens.  She told us that if she places J for adoption that we are 100% the family who will be receiving him.  There is always that chance she may decide to parent,  and if she does, that's ok. Although we love that little boy and his birth parents already, God would help us through that loss.   But deep down in the bottom of my heart I feel J will be our son.  There is always that doubt that creeps in and tells me otherwise.   But I am holding on to our faith in God to walk by our side these next few days. 
  The worker said something to us also that makes us feel good.  She said if you don't have a carseat I suggest you get one and learn to install it soon.  That gives us that glimmer of hope.

Friday March 29, 2013

  Yesterday afternoon I had a really good conversation with our worker.  We are still hopeful that baby J will come to our home soon.  We just aren't sure when. There is a bunch of paper work and medical stuff we are waiting on.  Also, since baby is in foster care, we will need to make arrangements with the foster parents.   Meanwhile, parental rights have NOT been terminated, so there is always a chance that the birth parents will decide to parent. Whoever says that "you're adopting so at least you don't have to experience the pain of labor" has obviously never experienced a 9 day adoption wait.  There have been so many emotions and tons of break downs for me.  This has definately, by far, been the hardest 9 days of our entire lives.  But it will all be worth it.  I just know it.  We continue to remain hopeful and trust in God to be by our side.  Meanwhile,  our Easter trip to Colorado has been cancelled.  My niece is a little upset, but she will be just fine if she learns that she gets a baby cousin out of the deal.  If this doesn't happen, I have some explaining to do to a 5 year old little girl!

Easter Sunday March 31, 2013

   Today I woke up and instantly thought of baby J.  Its so hard to know he might be our son, and yet we can't spend Easter with him.  I hope and pray that his foster parents continue to take great care of him & spoil him today.  I have faith in our risen Lord that he will be with us this week.  Today we are going to church & then having some friends over for lunch.   I pray this is the very last year that we don't get to play the easter bunny!  I'm sure it will be emotional for me today when I see all the cute kids dressed up in their Easter outfits, but I will be just fine.  Afterall, today is a day to celebrate.  HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!  Happy Easter!

There is no book on how to handle this...

Wednesday March 20, 2013 5:00pm

   What a roller coaster ride.  There are so many things that run through your mind ahead of time to prepare yourself,  but the day it happens shocks you.  I'm speaking from experience here.  I just got a call 2 1/2 hrs ago that could potentially change our lives forever.  There is a little boy already in this world who could possibly be ours.  Such a huge amount of emotions.  One minute I'm giving a client a hair color and the next I get a phone call that could be life changing.   Simply unexplainable.

Thursday March 21, 2013 3:45am

    I'm wide awake.  I decided to just get out of bed and make a cup of tea.  Hopefully it will help me sleep.  I've been laying in bed and thinking about the little boy. The little boy who is already named.  The 2 week old little guy who may just be the little boy that calls me mommy.  His initials are J.G. He is Caucasian & Filipino.  He was born healthy and is eating 2 oz. Formula at each feeding & sleeping around 3-4hrs at a time.  I'm sure he is so darn handsome!  We talked last night about trying not to get our hopes up and to not get too attached. THAT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE! He may not be ours, but he might be ours forever.
We aren't technically "matched", but the birth mom felt strongly enough about us that it required our worker to call us and ask permission to proceed further.  There certainly isn't a book out there that  can explain to you how you will feel in a situation like this.  What's so ironic,(I guess I shouldn't call it ironic, because I'm sure God had this planned all along) is that one year ago today I was lying awake (probably around the same time)  waiting to do our final frozen embryo transfer.  Today I'm wide awake, hoping that today is the day that we find out if little J.G will become ours.

Thursday March 21, 2013 5:30pm

   I hate waiting.   This has been the longest day of my life.  Its out of our hands and in the hands of God & the birth family.  I'm praying we get a call very soon.

Friday March 22, 2013 10:00AM

   Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting? I do.  We still haven't  heard anything back from the social worker for the birth family.  I'm sure they are obviously making some pretty difficult decisions.  I  feel selfish that I'm being impatient. This birth family is making the biggest decision of their entire lives and may just trust us enough to place their child with us and have him call me mommy and my husband daddy, and yet I'm being the selfish one.  I want it in MY timing.  I need to refocus and wait for THEIR timing!  God knows what he's doing and he's putting my feelings and patience to the test.  So far I feel like I'm disappointing him.  Sorry God.  I will try to be better.

Saturday March 23, 2013 7:00pm

   We went out for dinner with friends last night and are going to have some drinks with my cousins tonight.   We are hoping this is our very last kid-free weekend (without having to find a baby-sitter of course!)  We are trying to keep busy so it isn't constantly on our minds.  I find myself going through lists in my head of things we need to get still.  At least now I'm sleeping a little better and I'm not lying in bed thinking about it all night. I'm finding it difficult to not scream it to the mountain tops that we may be parents very soon. Tonight my cousin asked us how the adoption process was going.  I wanted so badly to tell him, but didn't want to jinx anything!  Not like I'm superstitious,  but still don't want to take any chances! Ha! So far only a few people know what's going on.  Our immediate family & our co-workers (only because we got the call at work).  We are leaning on our parents, sisters and God to get us through this wait.

March 24, 2013. Palm Sunday

   As we drove to church this morning I looked back into the empty seat behind us.  I couldn't help but think that the next time we drive to church there could be a carseat back there.  I prayed like I've never prayed before in church and found myself in tears many times throughout the service.  Thankfully my hubby was right there to hold my hand.  I'm certain that the people around me thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I just feel in my heart that baby J will be ours.  I pray he will be, but then again, I've been wrong before.  I just pray God will give us strength & also hold my hand through this all.
After church we did go get the last few items that were on our list of must-haves before baby would arrive.  Bottles, a crib mattress & mattress pad.  We are completely ready for the arrival of our child.
I also was in the nursery today for a little bit reading the book "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You"  I love that book & hope to be able to read it to our child very soon.

Palm Sunday 10:30 pm
 
  2 hours ago our lives changed forever.  We just got the most wonderful news we've ever heard.   The birth family has chosen to meet us and may trust us enough to be baby J's mommy and daddy for the rest of his life.  I cannot explain the excitement.  After getting off the phone we sobbed in eachother's arms.  Then we called our families.  Hearing our families excitement was breathtaking.  I'm shaking and sweating like crazy!  Next step is to meet them on Wednesday.   We are praying things go great and he will be home with us by Easter.   My sister is already talking about taking his baby photos.  God is truly amazing.  Every tear has been worth it thus far.  We are simply blessed!
  We might be earning the title of parents!  Thank you God! Of course its not for sure yet, so trying really hard to not get excited.   Ha ya right, I'm excited!

Monday March 25, 2013

   Today we learned some more details about the little boy that we already love.  He may just be our son! It feels so weird to say that!  He was born 20 days ago and weighted 7 lbs. 1 oz & was 19 1/4 inches long.  We made plans for Wednesday  to travel and skype with the birth father and meet the birth mother face to face.  Thankfully the birth mother isn't too terribly far away from us, so it shouldn't be too long of a drive.  Then if things go good there is a chance to have baby J in our home THIS WEEKEND!  Just in time for Easter!  We are still keeping the news private for now.  There is always that chance of the birth family changing their minds.  We pray that won't happen,  but to be safe and respect our birth family, only a few people & our pastor know.  I got a call and an email from our pastor.  She was rejoicing and praising God.  I can't wait to shout it to the mountain tops.  But that will come. 

Wednesday March 27, 2013 5:45 am

    Today is a day that I have been thinking about since the day we began our adoption journey a year ago.  Today is the day we will meet the people who gave J life.  The people who have loved him so much to want the very best for him.  I love them both so much and I haven't met them.   Its so crazy to feel such strong emotion for two people, who just last week, were complete strangers.   I have so many things I want to say to them. Thank you isn't enough.  What words do you say to the people who might be giving you the greatest gift you will ever receive?   There will never be anything I can say that's greater than the gift they might be giving us.  We will be forever grateful to them.  Our son will always know about them and how much they love him. He will also know how much we love them. There will never be a day that goes by that I will not thank God for bringing J's birth parents into our lives so that we could receive the biggest blessing.   I've said this before, and I'll say it again.   Adoption is a wonderful thing,  although its the scariest too, but that is why our social worker is helping us through.  Today we may just get another new extended family!

March 21st is a day worth celebrating

  I've been thinking about this date for a few days now.  March 21, 2012 is a date that will always remain in my head.  It was the day that we transferred our very last 3 embryos.  We went into the clinic knowing that we'd frozen four embryos, but weren't sure how many, if any, had survived the thaw.  The doctor took us into a room to talk.   I remember the way it felt to hear the doctor tell us that one of our embryos hadn't survived and that another was "so-so." It was a horrible feeling.  I remember looking at my husband and getting teary eyed.   These weren't just "cells"to us.  To us, these were babies.  Our babies.  Babies that we'd hoped one day would fish with their daddy or play dolls with their mommy. I couldn't help but be sad and wished there was something we could do to bring them back.

  Our doctor assured us that we still had 2 great embryos and the "so-so" embryo so we would transfer all three of them to ensure the best possible chances and to give them a fighting chance at life.  They went over the statistics of multiples.  78% chance of twins and 20% chance of triplets.  Then they took us into the room and prepped me for the procedure. As we walked into that room, my husband grabbed my hand and said "lets do this honey." He also sat by my side and told me that no matter the outcome,  we'd get through it together.  (How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing man by my side?)
   When you do invitro & frozen embryo transfer they print off ultrasound pictures of the embryos and give you copies.  I held the picture of them in my hand and stared at the photos while I talked to God with my husband by my side. 
I can't remember my exact words to God, but I do remember asking God to please give us peace for the outcome and to give us guidance along the way.  Every other time we'd have procedures done, I'd come home and feel very hopeful and "cautiously optimistic."  This time was different.  As I laid on bedrest I kept thinking that this was God's sign we needed to pursue adoption.  Instead of searching online for maternity clothes, I began searching for adoption agencies.   It was a weird feeling. 
     Going into the procedure we had decided that we would try this and if it didn't work, pursue adoption.  Sometimes I felt guilty about this.  I didn't ever want adoption to be our last resort, and if we adopted I didn't want my child to think "well we adopted BECAUSE we couldn't be pregnant. "  This had always been an option we'd heavily considered but didn't have the means or the knowledge to pursue.  I knew that day, March 21st, that we were meant to adopt.  God had healed my heart from all of the pain, hurt and anger caused by infertility.   Bottom line was I was in love with the idea of being a mom WAY more than I was in love with idea of being pregnant.   I think God brought us down the road of infertility so we could fully understand the blessing adoption would bring.  We signed with our agency 3 weeks later.  I look back with a smile on my face.  God has healed my heart.  This is the path we should have taken all along, and although it took us time to realize it, its a path we belong on.  So this year on March 21st I will celebrate.   After all, its worth celebrating.

Its been nearly a year since we began this adoption journey and we are approaching the 4 month mark of "actively waiting."  Its getting a little harder to wait patiently, but I keep reminding myself that with each passing day and month that its just another day and month closer to the day we bring home our child.
We completely finished decorating the nursery last night but there is one thing missing....our baby.  Some people who go through infertility and adoption wait to put the nursery together because they fear they will have pain every time they walk past the empty nursery.  Its different for me.  I walk past that nursery every day and smile.  Sometimes I walk in it and imagine what it will feel like to pick up our baby from the crib.  I imagine the joy I will have in my heart when I'm sleep deprived and hearing our baby cry in the middle of the night or when we are changing dirty diapers.  Some people would dread some of those moments.  I can't wait for them.

Sometimes i don't think about it....

So we've been actively waiting just over 3 months now and its getting to the point now where I can function throughout my day without even thinking about adoption.  The wait is getting a little easier.   Sometimes I find myself having a "pity party"  but not as often anymore.   I just keep telling myself with every passing month that its one month closer to the day our baby finds us.  We've been keeping busy with work and just got home from vacation too, so that's helping pass the time too.  We're putting the final touches in the nursery & hanging up photos on the walls that my sister took of us.  Soon the room will be complete and all we will need is our bundle of joy.  Praying God will find us a match soon.

The good, the bad and the crazy roller coaster ride....

I made a promise that I would continue to blog through the good and not so good times in adoption, afterall, it is a roller coaster ride we are on.
Yesterday was a tough day.  We had received word from our worker that we were in the final selection process for a birth family.  They were deciding between us and one other couple.  Emotional high.  Then we found out we weren't chosen.  Emotional low.  Then we found out that the birth family decided to parent the child.  That's a lot to take in from one conversation.
  We are looking at this situation as God's way of protecting us from a failed match situation.   We are trusting that this child wasn't meant to be ours, but its still hard to be so close, yet so far away from parenthood.  Our worker did tell us our book has been viewed by several birth families & that they are getting wonderful feedback from it.  We can only hope and pray that God will complete our family soon.  In the meantime, we will keep that other family in our prayers as well as the birth family parenting that child.  May God fill their hearts with peace.

While im waiting

Its been 2 months since we began waiting for a match.  The toughest part for me so far in this journey is The wait.  You would think I'd be used to waiting.   Afterall, its been 6 years since we started trying to have a family.  We've waited 6 LONG years.  Its no big deal to wait a little longer right?  Wrong.
I find peace while I wait by trusting in God and leaning on my family and friends.  They are all part of this master plan, and without them we wouldn't make it through.  God will provide us the gift of our child when He finds the right fit for us.  I trust in Him.  So when my days get tough,  which they often do, I pray.  God will guide me through and give me strength.  He's never let me down and He's not about to start now. I often sing in my head the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller.  It has given me strength through our infertility treatments and now I find strength while we wait with our adoption.  I will close with these words:
I'm waiting,
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful,
patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident.
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting

Bring on 2013!

As I reflect on what happened in 2012, it brings a smile to my face to think about where we were at emotionally a year ago and to see how far we've come.
A year ago we had just received the news that our first IVF was not successful and were trying to figure out why.  We were in the process of making some very serious decisions about our future family.  We decided to try one more time and transfer the remaining embryos we had frozen.  That occurred in late February.  We found out that wasn't successful at the beginning of March and decided that this was our sign from God that He was leading our hearts in the direction towards adoption. God had already started to lead us in that direction,  but it took a little bit for us to finally see the plan He had for us.   We began that journey in mid-April and its been a roller coaster ride ever since!   This ride included TONS of paperwork, counselling sessions with our amazing social worker, 9 references, personality tests, parenting tests, physicals, FBI background checks, family history, group work shops and so much more! Yes there were some tough times, but there were also some great times!  We've come a long way with our knowledge on adoption.  I always made a point to educate myself about infertility,  but I was clueless when we first started the adoption process.   I think its safe to say that I'm pretty educated on adoption now too and am looking forward to continuing to learn more.  Every day brings a new challenge and I'm sure it will be like that every day when we are parents too.
2013 will be an amazing year.  We know it will be the best year we've had during our 10 year marriage because it will be the year we earn the title of PARENTS.   The nursery is ready, the car seat is waiting,  and our arms are open for our child to arrive.   Goodbye 2012 and bring on 2013.  We are ready for the best year of our lives.