When is the right time?

I have been really feeling the desire in my heart to adopt again, but every single time I think about it, the 'what ifs' and negative thoughts creep in. Having gone through the process before, you'd think I wouldn't be worried.  I'm not so much worried about the process anymore, it's all the unknowns.

What if we start the process again and it goes fast?  Ugh, I don't think there is enough required coffee on this planet for me to handle two kids two and under. 

What if we start the process in a year or two and the wait takes FOREVER?  Ugh, I don't want our kids to be SO far apart in age.

What if our next birth family situation isn't as awesome as our current situation?

What if having two kids puts a strain on our marriage?

What if our son doesn't get along with his future sibling?

What if both our kids cling on to one parent and exhaust us?

What if. What if. What if. What if.

Then I snap back to reality.  God's got it figured out already.   If He didn't want us to have additional children,  He wouldn't put the desire in our heart.  If He knew our son was meant to be an only child, He'd tell us somehow. 

If we have two kids close in age, we do.  If we have two kids far apart in age, we do.  Bottom line is God's timing is perfect and I need to learn to trust Him.  This is something I struggled with the first time we adopted. I know it's something I will struggle with again, but I need to put on my big girl pants (or like a friend told me, at least take them out of the drawer and put them on the dresser) turn to prayer and lean on God to lead the way.  I know in my heart we are meant to adopt again.  When? I'm not sure.   But God YOU KNOW and I trust YOU.  So please take my hand and lead me towards Your plan.  Calm my anxious heart and help my husband get past his fears as well.  Afterall, we're a team and you're a wonderful coach. 

A typical day in the life of a 2 year old

On a daily basis, J says/does things that make this mama bust a gut laughing.   A friend suggested I write this stuff down and I thought to blog a typical days worth of comments from my two year old's sweet and funny little mouth. 
Here goes nothing! Enjoy!

Mama needs coffee! I makin mama coffee!

Mama I cement truck!  I cement truck! I cement truck! That's an excavator!  I see an excavator! Mama that's an excavator!  I see a dump truck.  I see a dump truck.  I see a dump truck. I see a dump truck.  Mama I see crane truck.  Mama!  I see crane truck!

GEESE!  GEESIES HAVE BABIES! 

BUS!  I SEE A BUS!

J should we change your diaper? Nope.  I still workin on it.

Daddy's truck goes HONK! HONK!

Mama NEEDS COFFEE!

J are you a cookie monster?  Nope I'm a big bird.

Mama I tootin.....TOOT! TOOT!

I see a dump truck!  I see a dump truck! I see a dump truck!  I see a dump truck! I see a dump truck! 
J please don't play with my blow dryer.  BUT mama, I NEED the nice hair!

J we need to settle down and get ready for a nap.  Mama I wanna compromise.

J let's go take a nap.  I wanna cuddle...two more minutes.  Come on J....NO! I WANNA CUDDLE TWO MORE MINUTES!

Come on buddy it's time for nap.   Mama!  I NEED to cuddle Coopie for two minutes!
As I lay him in his bed, he waves and says NIGHT NIGHT SWEETIE!  (Except it sounds like sweaty)

Every day when they test the storm sirens J shouts I CAN'T SEE NOISE!

Every time he walks into our bathroom he points to the shower and says Don't get your feet wet!

Mama I playing with Baxters..and Woody...and Cota...and Coopie (all family dogs)

Mama NEEDS COFFEE!

I go to KAMS?  Not today honey.  I wanna see Kathy!  (His childcare provider for bible study)

All of these comments are just a typical morning....all before nap, and he wonders why mama needs coffee?

Thank you Pastor Steph

Everyone has someone in their life that touches their hearts.  For me, I have many. Today I gave a hug to one beautiful woman and tears filled my eyes.  One of our pastors in our church is moving out of state for her husband to pursue a calling in a different congregation.   Pastor Steph has touched me more in the years that I've known her then any Pastor has in my lifetime.  When we struggled with infertility,  she prayed with me.  When we began our adoption journey,  she prayed with me and the day we got the call that J was coming home, she called me and prayed with me.  I answered the phone (while in the baby section at Bed, Bath & Beyond) and she rejoiced with me.  She shouted my name and said "oh my goodness Amanda! We have prayed for this and God has answered our prayers!"  We then talked for almost an HOUR (in the baby section of Bed, Bath & Beyond). 
She baptized J and in front of the congregation said "oh buddy, we prayed for you" as she kissed his head with tear filled eyes. Today she also kissed his forehead with tear filled eyes.  What I love about Steph is how she loves each and every single person in our large congregation.   She knows our kids and loves them all like she does her own.  I will miss this incredible woman and the love she shows to those around her.  Pastor Steph,  you have forever left an impression on my heart.  My prayer for you is that you touch many more women and children in your new congregation.   Thank you for showing the love you have for Jesus to every single person that comes into your life.  You are an incredible woman and I'm so blessed to know you.

"For I know the plans for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster,  to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Soaking it all in

Toddlers. Boys. They are interesting.   They keep you on your toes and sometimes (make that always) keep you laughing and smiling.  Several times today I caught myself taking a step back and just "soaking it all up."  How did I get this lucky?  Out of all the children in the world, God created this little boy to be my son.  He created him, placed him in his birth mom's arms and she placed him in mine.  Wow.  That's pretty darn amazing.  

Today I watched my smart little boy read what felt like 63,522 books, ride his bike in his fire truck jammies and snow boots, play cars, shout "mommy I toot!", tug on the dog's tail and ears and help daddy "build" in the garage. He threw a few temper tantrums, one time over a cup (this seems to be an ongoing temper tantrum) and through it all, I sat back and soaked it all in.  I cannot believe I'm his mom.  I cannot believe that I get to be the one who molds this little human into the man God wants him to be.  I get choked up thinking about it, but the part that got me the most tonight was at bedtime.   We do bible story time and prayers each night.  Tonight he kicked me to the chair while he cuddled daddy on the couch.  I'm glad he did.  I was able to watch my son on his daddy's lap and listen to the bible story.  Even at 2, he has parts of the bible memorized and loves to sing Jesus Loves Me. He loves to fold his hands and shouts "AMEN!"  This kid makes my heart skip a beat sometimes, but watching my husband read the bible to him and show him his love for Jesus makes me fall in love with him even more.  Thank you God for my boys, both big and small.  Thank you God for giving me a husband who loves the Lord and supports a Christian lifestyle in our home.  What a blessing it is to share the love we have for you with our son and thank you for hand selecting him to call me mommy.

As Mother's Day Approaches

Mother's Day is just a few days away (honey this is your reminder) and I will be celebrating my third mother's day.  This is the third time that I can say--since we began the journey to parenthood-- that I'm excited about it.  I remember that not being the case.  I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the shower one mother's day & wondering if I'd ever get there.  I remember how hard it was to put a fake smile on my face and walk into church and see all the mom's with their children in their arms.  My arms were empty and my heart was even more empty.   It was so depressing and I was so angry.  I couldn't understand it, but I wasn't supposed to.  Now it's different.   Because of the gift J's first mommy gave me,  my heart is exploding every day. Some days I'm exhausted, most days in fact, but I feel so blessed.  I celebrate J's first mommy each mother's day & never forget what she's done for me.  I also think about those who sob in the shower as I did. I pray for several friends who are on pins & needles waiting for that call and wondering when their turn is coming. I think about those who get shots each and every day to prepare their bodies for their next round of fertility treatments.  I never forget about the journey and pain it took to hold my little boy in my arms.  I will always be thankful for the rain, because it always brings a rainbow.  I'm grateful for every tear I cried in the shower because now every day is mother's day.  God is good.  His plan is perfect. Sometimes we question his timing, but now I can look back and say God was right.  He knew my rainbow would arrive,  I just had to trust him.