Giving Thanks

I cannot believe we just celebrated Thanksgiving and are getting ready to celebrate our third Christmas with J in our lives. It is times like these that I sometimes sit back and say "is this really my life?" There were times that we wondered if and when this would happen, and now its almost been 3 years! I sometimes still can't believe it. We give thanks everyday for J's birth family and the incredible gift they've given us, but most importantly, we give thanks for the relationship that has developed. The texts, the photos, the trips to the zoo, the random gifts in the mail and the everyday normal conversations are beyond what we ever expected it would be. God knew all along when he formed J, that he was doing something incredible. He revealed that plan to us in the best way with open adoption. Now we are on a waitlist to adopt a brother or sister for J. We are excited for this next chapter and trust that God will reveal His plan for our next child also. Whatever the plan may be, it will be the perfect plan for that child and our family. We trust in His plan and His timing.

We're adopting again!

After much prayer, our application is at our adoption agency and we are officially on a wait list to get into our adoption agency to adopt our second child.  Our agency is currently at full capacity for waiting families, so we are expecting to be on the wait list until at least December, maybe longer.  After that, we are expecting a long and emotional wait. We are excited and nervous about taking this next step.  Having a 2 1/2 year old to occupy our minds will be a great distraction while we wait.  My nerves are so much less this time around because we are going into the process already familiar with the adoption world.  There are still a ton of unknowns, but we are trusting God to work out those details. Our prayer for our next child is this: May you always know you were created by God, perfect in every way.  You are wanted. You are loved.  You are special.   Your first mommy and daddy love you.  They always have and always will.  Our promise to them is this: we will love your son/daughter unconditionally.   We will always talk about you.  We will welcome you into our family with open arms.  We love you already.   We are already praying for you.  Thank you for choosing adoption and allowing us into a very personal and emotional time in your life.  We respect you and are so proud of you. May God watch over you and protect you as you make decisions for your child.

All the "firsts"

  When you think about having a baby, you think about pregnancy, labor, the hospital stay, the baby name, nursing your newborn and much more, at least I did. Adoption is different.   I didn't experience  any of that.  I didn't  feel baby kicks or see ultrasounds or hear his first cries. I didn't have my husband holding my hand during contractions.  But you  know what?  That's  ok.  No, my road to parenthood is not the way I expected it to happen. It happened the way it was supposed to.  I didn't experience those things because I  wasn't supposed to.  We have a different experience that many don't get the joy of experiencing.   My husband was still there holding my hand as tears filled my eyes when my son was placed in my arms for the first time.  He then hugged our son's first mommy with tear filled eyes.  All the stuff I thought was so important when I thought about parenthood is nothing compared to the joy you have when you do hold your child for the first time.  Whether your child is seconds, minutes, months or years old when you first hold them in your arms, doesn't make you any less of a mom.  I am still the mommy he cries for when he needs an owie kissed or a hug.  I'm  still the mommy who takes him to the ER when he's sick and plays with him when he's not. I'm the mommy that gets to experience the joy in his eyes when he sees his favorite truck drive by. I'm also the mommy who gets to snuggle him right now as he sleeps on me.  It doesn't matter how you become a parent, what matters is what you do to help your child grow into the man/woman God wants them to be.
Adoption has taught me to appreciate  every second of this sweet boy.  He came into our life exactly how he was supposed to at 4 weeks old.  No we didn't name him,  but his name means gift from God.  Coincidence?   Doubt it.
So for all of my friends who are waiting to adopt and are worried about all the "firsts" they might miss, remember that your story is written as it should be.  No matter what, the first time you hold your child it will  be the best feeling ever! My mom, who is the wisest woman I know, told me once that you don't have to give birth to be a mom,  being a mom comes from your heart. My heart is exploding.

I'll take the cuddles

As I write this, I'm cuddling a sleeping two year old and typing with my other hand.  I'm a mom, I can multi-task.  It's not very often anymore that I get these moments.   They used to be an every day occurrence with bottle feeding and nap time snuggles, but now I will take the cuddles when he lets me.  Scrubbing the floors can wait a few moments longer.
As I cuddle him, I almost get teary eyed.   When did my little boy go from a tiny baby to a rambunctious two year old who thinks he's a monkey?   It's hard to believe.  Sometimes it feels like his birthmom just placed him in our arms, and other times I've forgotten what life was like before him. I'm certain life wasn't nearly as interesting and it definitely was a lot less busy. Things stayed where I put them (unless my husband moved them) the floors were cleaner,  the windows didn't have fingerprints,  I didn't trip over trucks and I did not know the names of every construction truck or dinosaur. Life was simpler and my arms and heart were emptier.  Now I cuddle my sweet boy and enjoy every minute.   This motherhood thing is pretty darn amazing. It's not anything like I expected it to be.  It's so much better and a lot more exhausting,  but I'll take the cuddles while I can.

When is the right time?

I have been really feeling the desire in my heart to adopt again, but every single time I think about it, the 'what ifs' and negative thoughts creep in. Having gone through the process before, you'd think I wouldn't be worried.  I'm not so much worried about the process anymore, it's all the unknowns.

What if we start the process again and it goes fast?  Ugh, I don't think there is enough required coffee on this planet for me to handle two kids two and under. 

What if we start the process in a year or two and the wait takes FOREVER?  Ugh, I don't want our kids to be SO far apart in age.

What if our next birth family situation isn't as awesome as our current situation?

What if having two kids puts a strain on our marriage?

What if our son doesn't get along with his future sibling?

What if both our kids cling on to one parent and exhaust us?

What if. What if. What if. What if.

Then I snap back to reality.  God's got it figured out already.   If He didn't want us to have additional children,  He wouldn't put the desire in our heart.  If He knew our son was meant to be an only child, He'd tell us somehow. 

If we have two kids close in age, we do.  If we have two kids far apart in age, we do.  Bottom line is God's timing is perfect and I need to learn to trust Him.  This is something I struggled with the first time we adopted. I know it's something I will struggle with again, but I need to put on my big girl pants (or like a friend told me, at least take them out of the drawer and put them on the dresser) turn to prayer and lean on God to lead the way.  I know in my heart we are meant to adopt again.  When? I'm not sure.   But God YOU KNOW and I trust YOU.  So please take my hand and lead me towards Your plan.  Calm my anxious heart and help my husband get past his fears as well.  Afterall, we're a team and you're a wonderful coach. 

A typical day in the life of a 2 year old

On a daily basis, J says/does things that make this mama bust a gut laughing.   A friend suggested I write this stuff down and I thought to blog a typical days worth of comments from my two year old's sweet and funny little mouth. 
Here goes nothing! Enjoy!

Mama needs coffee! I makin mama coffee!

Mama I cement truck!  I cement truck! I cement truck! That's an excavator!  I see an excavator! Mama that's an excavator!  I see a dump truck.  I see a dump truck.  I see a dump truck. I see a dump truck.  Mama I see crane truck.  Mama!  I see crane truck!

GEESE!  GEESIES HAVE BABIES! 

BUS!  I SEE A BUS!

J should we change your diaper? Nope.  I still workin on it.

Daddy's truck goes HONK! HONK!

Mama NEEDS COFFEE!

J are you a cookie monster?  Nope I'm a big bird.

Mama I tootin.....TOOT! TOOT!

I see a dump truck!  I see a dump truck! I see a dump truck!  I see a dump truck! I see a dump truck! 
J please don't play with my blow dryer.  BUT mama, I NEED the nice hair!

J we need to settle down and get ready for a nap.  Mama I wanna compromise.

J let's go take a nap.  I wanna cuddle...two more minutes.  Come on J....NO! I WANNA CUDDLE TWO MORE MINUTES!

Come on buddy it's time for nap.   Mama!  I NEED to cuddle Coopie for two minutes!
As I lay him in his bed, he waves and says NIGHT NIGHT SWEETIE!  (Except it sounds like sweaty)

Every day when they test the storm sirens J shouts I CAN'T SEE NOISE!

Every time he walks into our bathroom he points to the shower and says Don't get your feet wet!

Mama I playing with Baxters..and Woody...and Cota...and Coopie (all family dogs)

Mama NEEDS COFFEE!

I go to KAMS?  Not today honey.  I wanna see Kathy!  (His childcare provider for bible study)

All of these comments are just a typical morning....all before nap, and he wonders why mama needs coffee?

Thank you Pastor Steph

Everyone has someone in their life that touches their hearts.  For me, I have many. Today I gave a hug to one beautiful woman and tears filled my eyes.  One of our pastors in our church is moving out of state for her husband to pursue a calling in a different congregation.   Pastor Steph has touched me more in the years that I've known her then any Pastor has in my lifetime.  When we struggled with infertility,  she prayed with me.  When we began our adoption journey,  she prayed with me and the day we got the call that J was coming home, she called me and prayed with me.  I answered the phone (while in the baby section at Bed, Bath & Beyond) and she rejoiced with me.  She shouted my name and said "oh my goodness Amanda! We have prayed for this and God has answered our prayers!"  We then talked for almost an HOUR (in the baby section of Bed, Bath & Beyond). 
She baptized J and in front of the congregation said "oh buddy, we prayed for you" as she kissed his head with tear filled eyes. Today she also kissed his forehead with tear filled eyes.  What I love about Steph is how she loves each and every single person in our large congregation.   She knows our kids and loves them all like she does her own.  I will miss this incredible woman and the love she shows to those around her.  Pastor Steph,  you have forever left an impression on my heart.  My prayer for you is that you touch many more women and children in your new congregation.   Thank you for showing the love you have for Jesus to every single person that comes into your life.  You are an incredible woman and I'm so blessed to know you.

"For I know the plans for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster,  to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Soaking it all in

Toddlers. Boys. They are interesting.   They keep you on your toes and sometimes (make that always) keep you laughing and smiling.  Several times today I caught myself taking a step back and just "soaking it all up."  How did I get this lucky?  Out of all the children in the world, God created this little boy to be my son.  He created him, placed him in his birth mom's arms and she placed him in mine.  Wow.  That's pretty darn amazing.  

Today I watched my smart little boy read what felt like 63,522 books, ride his bike in his fire truck jammies and snow boots, play cars, shout "mommy I toot!", tug on the dog's tail and ears and help daddy "build" in the garage. He threw a few temper tantrums, one time over a cup (this seems to be an ongoing temper tantrum) and through it all, I sat back and soaked it all in.  I cannot believe I'm his mom.  I cannot believe that I get to be the one who molds this little human into the man God wants him to be.  I get choked up thinking about it, but the part that got me the most tonight was at bedtime.   We do bible story time and prayers each night.  Tonight he kicked me to the chair while he cuddled daddy on the couch.  I'm glad he did.  I was able to watch my son on his daddy's lap and listen to the bible story.  Even at 2, he has parts of the bible memorized and loves to sing Jesus Loves Me. He loves to fold his hands and shouts "AMEN!"  This kid makes my heart skip a beat sometimes, but watching my husband read the bible to him and show him his love for Jesus makes me fall in love with him even more.  Thank you God for my boys, both big and small.  Thank you God for giving me a husband who loves the Lord and supports a Christian lifestyle in our home.  What a blessing it is to share the love we have for you with our son and thank you for hand selecting him to call me mommy.

As Mother's Day Approaches

Mother's Day is just a few days away (honey this is your reminder) and I will be celebrating my third mother's day.  This is the third time that I can say--since we began the journey to parenthood-- that I'm excited about it.  I remember that not being the case.  I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the shower one mother's day & wondering if I'd ever get there.  I remember how hard it was to put a fake smile on my face and walk into church and see all the mom's with their children in their arms.  My arms were empty and my heart was even more empty.   It was so depressing and I was so angry.  I couldn't understand it, but I wasn't supposed to.  Now it's different.   Because of the gift J's first mommy gave me,  my heart is exploding every day. Some days I'm exhausted, most days in fact, but I feel so blessed.  I celebrate J's first mommy each mother's day & never forget what she's done for me.  I also think about those who sob in the shower as I did. I pray for several friends who are on pins & needles waiting for that call and wondering when their turn is coming. I think about those who get shots each and every day to prepare their bodies for their next round of fertility treatments.  I never forget about the journey and pain it took to hold my little boy in my arms.  I will always be thankful for the rain, because it always brings a rainbow.  I'm grateful for every tear I cried in the shower because now every day is mother's day.  God is good.  His plan is perfect. Sometimes we question his timing, but now I can look back and say God was right.  He knew my rainbow would arrive,  I just had to trust him.

You're not alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness week.  The theme is You're Not Alone.  I often wish that I would've started blogging at the very beginning of our infertility struggles instead of just when we started our adoption process,  my blog would've been very depressing.  There was a lot of raw emotion back then that I shared with family & friends, only a few truly understood the pain I was experiencing.  Let's be real.  Infertility is depressing, but it is something that NEEDS to be talked about!  I don't ever want anyone to feel ashamed of their bodies.  I don't want anyone to ever feel like your body is broken.  Those are feeling I had about myself.  Please remember You're Not Alone.  There are many people who understand,  1 in 8 women as a matter of fact.  You don't have to struggle alone.  Talk about it and know you can still be a mom with infertility.   I'm living proof. Reach out to those who understand,  chances are many of us are very willing to walk beside you through it all. 

Celebrating J's 2nd birthday

Yesterday we celebrated J's 2nd birthday.  It was also two years to the day that we hugged his first mommy.  It was a special day and J was surrounded by many people who love him. I will keep this post short, but yesterday can be described best from the message we received today from J's birth grandfather.  I wanted to share this message, but keep their privacy, so names have been deleted.
This is the text message I received. It brought tears to my eyes.  God definitely is in this adoption relationship.   There is no doubt about it!

Thank you so much for the wonderful birthday party. Birth grandmother and I had so much fun. Oh my gosh J is growing so fast and learning so much and speaking so well that we were just so happy and tried to soak it all in. He is really something special and such a kind young boy, very impressive. It is not hard to see that he is an extension of the love he is receiving. Birth grandmother was so happy he would sit and spend time with her and drink his milk that I could see the glow on her face all the way home. Again we cannot say thank you enough for such a wonderful day.

Happy birthday sweet boy.

Two years since our world changed

Tomorrow, March 20th is a day I will never forget until the day I no longer walk this earth.  Two years ago, on March 20th, we got the phone call that you were here.  I will never forget the way it felt to hear those words "there is a little boy, who is 2 weeks old, and he may be yours."  It still gives me goosebumps.   We had only a few short hours to decide if we wanted to proceed further.  I remember sitting in my car at work talking to our adoption worker and shaking.  I had prepared myself (at least I thought I had) for that moment, but when it arrived I was a wreck.  I sobbed in my boss's office after talking to your daddy. We both were shocked, excited and nervous about the unknown.   I remember calling my sister and mom.  I talked to my sister and she helped me work through some of my concerns.  We made a pros/cons list.  The cons list was pretty much nonexistent.  My mom had so many missed calls that she immediately snuck into the bathroom at work to call me back. I was so scared and so happy. When our worker told us your name and said that your first mommy wanted us to know your name meant "gift from God," I gasped.  My son, you are the BEST gift from God.
Looking back, I'm so happy that we set our fears aside and trusted God to lead the way. I cannot believe for one millisecond that I even questioned proceeding further.  Of course that was short lived.  I couldn't imagine my life without you in it.  You continue to amaze me every day.  I know there will be times when we don't always see eye to eye, but please remember, that no matter what you do in this life, I'm always there for you.  I consider myself the luckiest mama on this earth that I was chosen to be your mama.  God's plan was perfect.   He worked out all the details before we were told about you.  He named you and gave you the best first mommy and daddy to love you, then they graciously placed you in our arms forever.   What a wonderful gift.  You are our gift from God and we are happy to experience this life with you.

TWO

TWO!  How in the world did that just happen?  I feel like I blinked and you went from a tiny little 7lb sweetie to a 30lb busy and talkative sweetie. Two years ago we were praying for an adoption match and sharing our profile with friends and family.  What we did not know was that you were already 3 days old.  You had a beautiful biblical name that means gift from God.  Your sweet birthmom and dad had already searched our agency website and had stumbled upon our book. They were making decisions about your beautiful life and we were completely unaware of the joy we were about to experience.  We are so very blessed that we were chosen to be your parents.   Being your parents has been the most rewarding, joyful, exhausting and exciting job we've ever had. 
We are preparing for your dump truck themed birthday party in the next few weeks.  There will be people there who mean the most to you, your grandparents and birth family. What a gift it is to have a relationship with them so that they can celebrate these milestones with you.  Adoption is the best! We cannot wait to see what the future holds for you our sweet boy.    Remember we love you so much, but please don't cause too much chaos in those terrible two's. This mama just got through teething.

To the little girl I was before infertility

To the girl I was before infertility,
  You have big plans for yourself.  Sometimes when you play barbies, you picture what life will be like when you grow up.  You'll meet your prince, get married, buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after.  Your story will be a great one, but it will have a lot of twists and turns along the way.   You will meet your prince charming, he will look so cute driving his orange pick up truck to school each day and will pass you love notes in the hallways at your small town high school.  Years down the road, when you are packing for a move across country, you will find those love notes and read them to eachother.  You will laugh so hard you almost pee your pants.  It will be great.
Then you will buy a house, it will be the house that you start a family in.  You will be so excited.   You start picking out baby names and writing them down to pass the time when driving on the long road trips to visit your families.  Your husband will just look at road signs and start calling out silly names like "Gas Lee" or "Diesel Fuel". Little do you know, that  list you saved will one day bring you to your knees in tears when you find it tucked away in a drawer.   You see, young lady, your road to motherhood will be a roller coaster ride.  Trust me when I tell you, it will all work out as it's supposed to.  Your husband will become the strongest man you know and will pick you up off the floor when you feel like you can't.   He will be helping give, what feels like thousands of shots, so that you might achieve pregnancy.  It will not work, and when it doesn't,  you will be so angry.  You will scream and throw things.  You will question God and his motives.  You will cry so many tears, you'd think you couldn't cry anymore. Afterwards,  you will put on your big girl pants, release all your anger and put your trust in God.  There will come a point when you and your husband embrace God's plan.  Your faith will become stronger and you will start to see the bigger plan.  You will become the mother of the most amazingly,  sweet, and curious little boy.  You will bring his birth family into your lives and it will be the most wonderful blessing.   All of this will happen and you will be on the other side of infertility.   Yes it will still be there.  That won't change, but your plans will.  While you are busy making plans for your life, God is busy making better plans.  So little girl, please don't be discouraged.   God knows what He's doing. You will live happily ever after.

Open adoption is a God thing

Several times this week I've found myself texting someone who used to be a complete stranger.  Now we have an on going,  ever changing relationship.   These people will be in our lives until the day we die.  Sometimes it's small talk and other times it's emotional conversation.   It's a relationship we never thought was possible, or honestly I thought I'd ever be comfortable with.  This relationship began when my husband and I decided to put our personal feelings aside and focus on what was important for our son.  When we began the adoption process we were very hesitant to give out our personal information.  There was no way I would want perfect strangers to know my last name, town we lived in, let alone our address!  If you would've told me that soon we'd share phone numbers and have them over to our house, I would've told you you're crazy! But for the second year in a row, that will happen.  One month from today our son will turn two.  TWO!  How did that happen?  It still doesn't seem possible.  When we celebrate his birthday there will be extra people there who love our son like crazy.  His birth grandparents.   I have been told on several occasions how wonderful we are for "allowing" them in his life.  That bugs me hearing it now, but sadly not too long ago, I was scared of open adoption.  Now I think why wouldn't we accept them into our lives?  We are simply keeping the people who loved our son, before we even knew about him, involved in his life. They trusted US!  PERFECT STRANGERS, to come into their lives and be our son's parents for the rest of his life!  That's a God thing right there!  If you don't believe God exists,  then you probably have never experienced a goosebumps moment of having your child's first mother place her child in your arms. She then tells him, "she's your mommy, and she'll take great care of you."  God moment.  They are so happy to be able to watch him grow and we are so happy that they can.  Open adoption is wonderful.  I highly recommend it.  Afterall, who doesn't want there children to be extra loved?  I sure do.

A letter to my son's first mommy

To the beautiful woman who gave my son life, you may not know it, or maybe you do, I think about you every day.  To the sweet girl who put her emotions aside, despite her pain and fear,  to make the most difficult decision of her life, and in turn, allow me to be a mother, I thank you. 

Sometimes you cross my mind a hundred times a day.  I wonder how you are or what you're doing.  Each day when I pick our son up out of his crib and kiss his cheek, I think of you.  When he runs to grab the blue bear and yellow crocheted blanket, that you so lovingly handed to me the day you placed him in my arms, I think of you.  When I'm washing dishes and look up to see him playing trucks on the floor, or throwing cars across the room, I think of you.  When he is crying because his teeth are bugging him or he isn't feeling well, I think of you. When I'm kissing owies and bandaging scraped knees, I think of you. When we practice saying your name and he says it with a smile, I think of you.  When we read our bible stories and pray for you at night, I think of you. Every minute of every day I think of you. When I feel like I'm messing up and not doing the greatest job, I think of you.

I think about how much of a blessing it is that you trusted me enough to be his mommy.  Sometimes I still cannot believe it!  I want you to know that I will always love you fully and unconditionally.  You will always be on my mind.  I look at our son and I see you.  You have created a beautiful little boy.  He is proud of his first mommy and what you are doing in your life.  I hope that you are proud of the little boy we are raising him to be.  I hope you're proud of me.  When I look at the mother that I've become, I think of you.

Little eyes are watching

Both my husband and my son are napping and I'm caught up on laundry!  So I'm sitting down,  drinking coffee and taking a moment to think about the sermon at church this morning.   Today's message was talking about helping children out of spiritual poverty and teaching your children about Jesus from the very second they are just a flicker in your imagination.   I didn't get to listen to the whole sermon because just as it was starting to be very good, my son pooped his pants.  Go figure.   I did, however, get back just in time for our pastor to say something similar to this : Teach your children about Jesus. If you don't have children, find some.  There are kids everywhere who need to be released from spiritual poverty.  There are many who don't know the love of Jesus and are feeling empty and lonely.   They also sang the song "I Want To Be Just Like You." This song had me in tears.  It is a great reminder of why it is so important to be a good example to our children.  My husband is a wonderful daddy and I'm so happy our son looks up to him. I am the best mommy I know how to be and I know my son thinks so too, even if there are times I feel like I'm messing up.  It has and always will be my prayer that God help us be the parents we need to be.  We hope that he will always know the love Jesus has for him.  My sweet boy, I promise to always try my hardest to teach you about Jesus through bible stories, songs and by my actions each day in this life.   I hope that your daddy and I will be a living bible, a good example and a safe place for you to fall.  Jesus is helping us along this journey as your parents. 
We know your little eyes are watching and we pray you are learning from our example.  We love you.

I Want To Be Just Like You
        By: Phillips, Craig & Dean

He climbs in my lap for a goodnight hug
He calls me Dad and I call him Bub
With his faded old pillow and a bear named Pooh
He snuggles up close and says "I want to be like you"
I tuck him in bed and I kiss him goodnight
Trippin' over the toys as I turn out the light
And I whisper a prayer that someday he'll see
He's got a father in God 'cause he's seen Jesus in me

Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me

Got to admit I've got so far to go
Make so many mistakes and I'm sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can't get it all right
But I'm trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
'Cause I know that he'll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me
Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it's only 'cause I'm learning from the best Father of them all

What I've learned from Infertility

On almost a daily basis and because of my openness about my infertility struggles,  I encounter women who deal with the demon of infertility.   Each of us cope with it differently.   Most of us are angry and all of us can't understand why we are going through it.  I am not going to sugar coat this entry.  Infertility SUCKS!  It is equivalent to the devil.  If there was a curse word to describe it, it would be the nastiest curse word.  It causes you to feel emotions and bitterness that you never imagined you could feel. It makes you angry at every pregnant woman you see, including your own family members.  It causes you to question your faith and gives you feelings of anger towards God for allowing this to happen. Many who've never experienced it will tell you, as they did me, that there are worse things.   Yes that's true.  Infertility won't kill you, so yes I guess they're right.  But without a family, some people feel so incredibly empty inside and it can lead to bigger issues. Depending on their diagnosis, Infertility can cause physical pain each month, which is also a constant reminder to them about their inability to conceive.  I was fortunate enough to have a large infertility support group who understood exactly how I was feeling.  We also found a great group of doctors and nurses who helped us emotionally.  Through it all, we ultimately decided that we wanted to be parents and adoption was our path.  The path we were destined to take from the beginning.  It wasn't an easy road, it was just as difficult.   Just a different kind of difficult. I still think about my infertility and how it has affected me.  I wouldn't change a thing because it's formed me into the wife, mother, sister, daughter & friend that I am today.   But through it all, I am able to look back at the years we struggled to conceive and learn from them.  I've learned so much from infertility.  It was a constant reminder that I was not in charge.  I couldn't control what my body did, no matter how many IVF cycles we did.  It taught me patience.   Lots and lots of patience.  So many times I wanted to hurry things up so that I could see the end result. I learned slowly, very very slowly,  that it didn't work that way. It has helped me understand the women who come to me for support.   I am there to listen and pray with them.  I will share my experience a million times if it means that our story will help just 1 person who struggles.  Infertility has taught me so much.  Most importantly it's taught me to trust God.   He decided how we became parents and gave me infertility so that I would fully understand the pain of it all.  Afterall, unless you've walked in someone's shoes, you can't fully understand.   I've walked in some pretty large infertility shoes, I may have tripped and fallen along the way, but God helped me up. He'll help you too.  Just take his hand and let him lead the way.

All that is parenthood

This weekend was a weekend spent with just us.  My Friday night was spent watching my husband and son play while I prepared a dozen freezer meals to store for the next month. We were in bed by 10:30pm. We started out our Saturday morning bright and early laying in bed with a little boy, his blanky and his dump trucks.  We played vroom vroom and watched him giggle as he tried to drive his trucks on our old grumpy dog.  I found myself playing referee several times to keep him from hurting our poor old dog.  Then my husband did what every wife dreams of, he took our son to eat breakfast in the kitchen and brought me coffee in bed.  I love that man! This allowed me time to relax and read my morning devotion.   It also got me thinking about what life was like before I earned the title of mommy. I will share more about that in a minute.
  We then spent our afternoon sledding in the back yard for the very first time.  I took a ton of pictures.  I am a self-admitted photoholic. Our night concluded with a date night at home.  We ordered take out, rented a movie and drank wine in our pj's on the couch.  We were in bed by 11pm.  Sunday morning was a lot like Saturday morning, give or take a few trucks and books.  We skipped church.  God will forgive me.  We watched football, made blanket forts in the living room and just enjoyed our weekend. It was amazing and busy. It was fun.  It was filled with a few temper tantrums over nonsense, that were quickly followed by "I sorry mama", it was filled with poopy diapers and dirty hands. It was everything I pictured parenthood to be. 
It was nothing like my life before I was a mama. 

Life before I was a mama went something like this:

It took me 30 seconds to get out the door and on my way to where I was going.

I would spend my Friday or Saturday nights out to dinner with my husband and friends. 

I would go to bed late and sleep in late.

The only mouths I worried about feeding were my husband, myself and the dog.

I spent my days off during the week alone with just my coffee and the dvr.

The only butt I wiped was my own.

When I cleaned my house it stayed clean.

The only person I had to keep alive was myself.

Life was good with just myself and my husband, but life felt incomplete.  

My brain constantly thought about being a mommy and life was filled with emotional ups and downs with each negative pregnancy test.

Life was different.  My faith was different. My priorities were different. 

Parenthood changes a person.  It causes you to rethink your priorities in life and it makes you look "boring" to all of your single friends.  But to that little one who calls you mama, building a blanket fort in the living room, or sledding in the backyard, makes you one "cool" mama. It makes you worry about a person, other then yourself 24/7.  It has you talking to God throughout your day.  Sometimes it's just a "God please help me get through this day."  It makes life interesting and fulfilling. It keeps life exciting and humorous.  That, my friends, is all that is Parenthood.

Infertility and adoption advocacy

For over 8 years, our life had revolved around infertility treatments, doctors visits, adoption worker visits and tons and tons of paperwork.  It was a rollercoaster ride, but worth it all when we held our son for the first time in our adoption office.   We have completely closed the door for any further infertility treatments, but the adoption door remains open for our future.  I can look back now and know with 100% certainty that we were supposed to be parents through adoption.  We want to have one more child and sometimes I find myself struggling with when the right time is.  I'm sure that's a normal feeling of anyone deciding when to have more children.   But it has me thinking a lot lately.  I have been asked many times already when we will adopt again. The answer is I'm not sure when.  We are trusting in God's plan this time to lead the way and give us a timeline.  He did a pretty amazing job last time and we are trusting He will do it again in HIS timing.  I do know this though, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my personal experience with infertility to help others who are going through it.  I also will have our son's adoption journey to help others with the fear that sometimes is associated with the unknowns of adoption.   I want to be an ear to listen when someone needs to cry about that failed IVF or adoption placement.   I do understand fully the pain and emotions of it all.  God gave me infertility for a reason.  He definitely tested my faith in him at times.  Then He blessed us with our son.  The son who was meant to be ours.  Through the process,  we gained strength and faith, and because of that, are able to help those who are hurting.  I am, and will continue to be an advocate for those trying to grow their family.   No matter how you get there, trust in God to lead the way.   His perfect plan will work out as it's supposed to if you just trust him.  You will find peace and understanding when you hold that precious gift from God, the gift that God hand selected to be yours.   No matter how you become a parent,  know it's the way you were meant to become a parent.

A cracker and a blue cup

I cannot believe I am planning a 2nd birthday party for you my sweet boy. There are so many times that I want time to slow down, but then I'm curious about what you'll learn next.  You are constantly keeping me on my toes and make me laugh all the time. Today when you asked for daddy and I told you he was in the bathroom, your response was priceless.  "Pooping? Peeeeew!" 

Awww motherhood....... The amazing and beautiful gift of motherhood.   I know I was put on this earth to be your mama.  You have shown me how to love in ways I never thought were possible.  You have proven to me that I can function on minimal sleep and extra strong coffee.  Most importantly you have shown me what it's like to love a complete stranger in a matter of a millisecond.   You my sweet boy, have given me a new perspective on life in only a matter of two years.  I am incredibly blessed to be your mommy and thank God every single second of every day for you, your birthmom and dad and their families.   I love you my sweet boy.  I will always love you, even when you throw a temper tantrum over a cracker and a blue cup.