Thursday March 28, 2013

  Yesterday was quite the day.  There isn't a "meeting the birth parents" handbook.  I had to chug some pepto bismol before we left the house because I thought I would throw up.  Thank you Pepto!
We spent about 3 1/2 hrs.  in the office, but let me tell you, it was time well spent!  Honestly,  if we could have lined potential birth parents up and interviewed each of them, we'd choose them! Its crazy how God will bring people into your life!
  We first started out by having a phone conversation with J's birth father.  It was so nice to listen to him and my hubby talk about sports, camping, fishing and so much more.  They had a lot in common and I was so happy to learn that.  We were very nervous and it went so good.  It made us comfortable knowing that if J does become our son that we will be able to have BOTH of his birth parents involved in his life.  That was very important.  He shared with us his faith background and what he hopes his son will be able to achieve and have in life.  We agreed about terms and updates and he actually told us that he looks forward to speaking with us again.  So that made us feel good.
  After that meeting we were able to meet J's birth mother in person.  She was crying and we hugged.  There are so many similarities between our families.  From faith, to family values, to our father's military service and so so so much more. I told her so many times that she would be giving us the most amazing gift we'd ever receive and that there wouldn't be one single day that went by that we wouldn't thank God for her selfless decision.  We reassured her that she will continually be a part of J's life.  Not only is it important to us, its very important to both of them.  We agreed about terms and updates throughout his life. She shared some photos of him.  He is the cutest little boy with lots of dark hair.  He brought both smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes. She also shared the meaning behind his name.  It is so beautiful and we said that it will be his name forever. When we hugged to say goodbye we said "see you soon" and she smiled. Then they left. 
  After that we met privately with her worker. She said that the birth mom needs a few days to process this and to speak with her parents.   So its sounding more and more that he won't be here in our home for Easter.  But we will see what happens.  She told us that if she places J for adoption that we are 100% the family who will be receiving him.  There is always that chance she may decide to parent,  and if she does, that's ok. Although we love that little boy and his birth parents already, God would help us through that loss.   But deep down in the bottom of my heart I feel J will be our son.  There is always that doubt that creeps in and tells me otherwise.   But I am holding on to our faith in God to walk by our side these next few days. 
  The worker said something to us also that makes us feel good.  She said if you don't have a carseat I suggest you get one and learn to install it soon.  That gives us that glimmer of hope.

Friday March 29, 2013

  Yesterday afternoon I had a really good conversation with our worker.  We are still hopeful that baby J will come to our home soon.  We just aren't sure when. There is a bunch of paper work and medical stuff we are waiting on.  Also, since baby is in foster care, we will need to make arrangements with the foster parents.   Meanwhile, parental rights have NOT been terminated, so there is always a chance that the birth parents will decide to parent. Whoever says that "you're adopting so at least you don't have to experience the pain of labor" has obviously never experienced a 9 day adoption wait.  There have been so many emotions and tons of break downs for me.  This has definately, by far, been the hardest 9 days of our entire lives.  But it will all be worth it.  I just know it.  We continue to remain hopeful and trust in God to be by our side.  Meanwhile,  our Easter trip to Colorado has been cancelled.  My niece is a little upset, but she will be just fine if she learns that she gets a baby cousin out of the deal.  If this doesn't happen, I have some explaining to do to a 5 year old little girl!

Easter Sunday March 31, 2013

   Today I woke up and instantly thought of baby J.  Its so hard to know he might be our son, and yet we can't spend Easter with him.  I hope and pray that his foster parents continue to take great care of him & spoil him today.  I have faith in our risen Lord that he will be with us this week.  Today we are going to church & then having some friends over for lunch.   I pray this is the very last year that we don't get to play the easter bunny!  I'm sure it will be emotional for me today when I see all the cute kids dressed up in their Easter outfits, but I will be just fine.  Afterall, today is a day to celebrate.  HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!  Happy Easter!

There is no book on how to handle this...

Wednesday March 20, 2013 5:00pm

   What a roller coaster ride.  There are so many things that run through your mind ahead of time to prepare yourself,  but the day it happens shocks you.  I'm speaking from experience here.  I just got a call 2 1/2 hrs ago that could potentially change our lives forever.  There is a little boy already in this world who could possibly be ours.  Such a huge amount of emotions.  One minute I'm giving a client a hair color and the next I get a phone call that could be life changing.   Simply unexplainable.

Thursday March 21, 2013 3:45am

    I'm wide awake.  I decided to just get out of bed and make a cup of tea.  Hopefully it will help me sleep.  I've been laying in bed and thinking about the little boy. The little boy who is already named.  The 2 week old little guy who may just be the little boy that calls me mommy.  His initials are J.G. He is Caucasian & Filipino.  He was born healthy and is eating 2 oz. Formula at each feeding & sleeping around 3-4hrs at a time.  I'm sure he is so darn handsome!  We talked last night about trying not to get our hopes up and to not get too attached. THAT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE! He may not be ours, but he might be ours forever.
We aren't technically "matched", but the birth mom felt strongly enough about us that it required our worker to call us and ask permission to proceed further.  There certainly isn't a book out there that  can explain to you how you will feel in a situation like this.  What's so ironic,(I guess I shouldn't call it ironic, because I'm sure God had this planned all along) is that one year ago today I was lying awake (probably around the same time)  waiting to do our final frozen embryo transfer.  Today I'm wide awake, hoping that today is the day that we find out if little J.G will become ours.

Thursday March 21, 2013 5:30pm

   I hate waiting.   This has been the longest day of my life.  Its out of our hands and in the hands of God & the birth family.  I'm praying we get a call very soon.

Friday March 22, 2013 10:00AM

   Have I mentioned how much I hate waiting? I do.  We still haven't  heard anything back from the social worker for the birth family.  I'm sure they are obviously making some pretty difficult decisions.  I  feel selfish that I'm being impatient. This birth family is making the biggest decision of their entire lives and may just trust us enough to place their child with us and have him call me mommy and my husband daddy, and yet I'm being the selfish one.  I want it in MY timing.  I need to refocus and wait for THEIR timing!  God knows what he's doing and he's putting my feelings and patience to the test.  So far I feel like I'm disappointing him.  Sorry God.  I will try to be better.

Saturday March 23, 2013 7:00pm

   We went out for dinner with friends last night and are going to have some drinks with my cousins tonight.   We are hoping this is our very last kid-free weekend (without having to find a baby-sitter of course!)  We are trying to keep busy so it isn't constantly on our minds.  I find myself going through lists in my head of things we need to get still.  At least now I'm sleeping a little better and I'm not lying in bed thinking about it all night. I'm finding it difficult to not scream it to the mountain tops that we may be parents very soon. Tonight my cousin asked us how the adoption process was going.  I wanted so badly to tell him, but didn't want to jinx anything!  Not like I'm superstitious,  but still don't want to take any chances! Ha! So far only a few people know what's going on.  Our immediate family & our co-workers (only because we got the call at work).  We are leaning on our parents, sisters and God to get us through this wait.

March 24, 2013. Palm Sunday

   As we drove to church this morning I looked back into the empty seat behind us.  I couldn't help but think that the next time we drive to church there could be a carseat back there.  I prayed like I've never prayed before in church and found myself in tears many times throughout the service.  Thankfully my hubby was right there to hold my hand.  I'm certain that the people around me thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I just feel in my heart that baby J will be ours.  I pray he will be, but then again, I've been wrong before.  I just pray God will give us strength & also hold my hand through this all.
After church we did go get the last few items that were on our list of must-haves before baby would arrive.  Bottles, a crib mattress & mattress pad.  We are completely ready for the arrival of our child.
I also was in the nursery today for a little bit reading the book "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You"  I love that book & hope to be able to read it to our child very soon.

Palm Sunday 10:30 pm
 
  2 hours ago our lives changed forever.  We just got the most wonderful news we've ever heard.   The birth family has chosen to meet us and may trust us enough to be baby J's mommy and daddy for the rest of his life.  I cannot explain the excitement.  After getting off the phone we sobbed in eachother's arms.  Then we called our families.  Hearing our families excitement was breathtaking.  I'm shaking and sweating like crazy!  Next step is to meet them on Wednesday.   We are praying things go great and he will be home with us by Easter.   My sister is already talking about taking his baby photos.  God is truly amazing.  Every tear has been worth it thus far.  We are simply blessed!
  We might be earning the title of parents!  Thank you God! Of course its not for sure yet, so trying really hard to not get excited.   Ha ya right, I'm excited!

Monday March 25, 2013

   Today we learned some more details about the little boy that we already love.  He may just be our son! It feels so weird to say that!  He was born 20 days ago and weighted 7 lbs. 1 oz & was 19 1/4 inches long.  We made plans for Wednesday  to travel and skype with the birth father and meet the birth mother face to face.  Thankfully the birth mother isn't too terribly far away from us, so it shouldn't be too long of a drive.  Then if things go good there is a chance to have baby J in our home THIS WEEKEND!  Just in time for Easter!  We are still keeping the news private for now.  There is always that chance of the birth family changing their minds.  We pray that won't happen,  but to be safe and respect our birth family, only a few people & our pastor know.  I got a call and an email from our pastor.  She was rejoicing and praising God.  I can't wait to shout it to the mountain tops.  But that will come. 

Wednesday March 27, 2013 5:45 am

    Today is a day that I have been thinking about since the day we began our adoption journey a year ago.  Today is the day we will meet the people who gave J life.  The people who have loved him so much to want the very best for him.  I love them both so much and I haven't met them.   Its so crazy to feel such strong emotion for two people, who just last week, were complete strangers.   I have so many things I want to say to them. Thank you isn't enough.  What words do you say to the people who might be giving you the greatest gift you will ever receive?   There will never be anything I can say that's greater than the gift they might be giving us.  We will be forever grateful to them.  Our son will always know about them and how much they love him. He will also know how much we love them. There will never be a day that goes by that I will not thank God for bringing J's birth parents into our lives so that we could receive the biggest blessing.   I've said this before, and I'll say it again.   Adoption is a wonderful thing,  although its the scariest too, but that is why our social worker is helping us through.  Today we may just get another new extended family!

March 21st is a day worth celebrating

  I've been thinking about this date for a few days now.  March 21, 2012 is a date that will always remain in my head.  It was the day that we transferred our very last 3 embryos.  We went into the clinic knowing that we'd frozen four embryos, but weren't sure how many, if any, had survived the thaw.  The doctor took us into a room to talk.   I remember the way it felt to hear the doctor tell us that one of our embryos hadn't survived and that another was "so-so." It was a horrible feeling.  I remember looking at my husband and getting teary eyed.   These weren't just "cells"to us.  To us, these were babies.  Our babies.  Babies that we'd hoped one day would fish with their daddy or play dolls with their mommy. I couldn't help but be sad and wished there was something we could do to bring them back.

  Our doctor assured us that we still had 2 great embryos and the "so-so" embryo so we would transfer all three of them to ensure the best possible chances and to give them a fighting chance at life.  They went over the statistics of multiples.  78% chance of twins and 20% chance of triplets.  Then they took us into the room and prepped me for the procedure. As we walked into that room, my husband grabbed my hand and said "lets do this honey." He also sat by my side and told me that no matter the outcome,  we'd get through it together.  (How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing man by my side?)
   When you do invitro & frozen embryo transfer they print off ultrasound pictures of the embryos and give you copies.  I held the picture of them in my hand and stared at the photos while I talked to God with my husband by my side. 
I can't remember my exact words to God, but I do remember asking God to please give us peace for the outcome and to give us guidance along the way.  Every other time we'd have procedures done, I'd come home and feel very hopeful and "cautiously optimistic."  This time was different.  As I laid on bedrest I kept thinking that this was God's sign we needed to pursue adoption.  Instead of searching online for maternity clothes, I began searching for adoption agencies.   It was a weird feeling. 
     Going into the procedure we had decided that we would try this and if it didn't work, pursue adoption.  Sometimes I felt guilty about this.  I didn't ever want adoption to be our last resort, and if we adopted I didn't want my child to think "well we adopted BECAUSE we couldn't be pregnant. "  This had always been an option we'd heavily considered but didn't have the means or the knowledge to pursue.  I knew that day, March 21st, that we were meant to adopt.  God had healed my heart from all of the pain, hurt and anger caused by infertility.   Bottom line was I was in love with the idea of being a mom WAY more than I was in love with idea of being pregnant.   I think God brought us down the road of infertility so we could fully understand the blessing adoption would bring.  We signed with our agency 3 weeks later.  I look back with a smile on my face.  God has healed my heart.  This is the path we should have taken all along, and although it took us time to realize it, its a path we belong on.  So this year on March 21st I will celebrate.   After all, its worth celebrating.

Its been nearly a year since we began this adoption journey and we are approaching the 4 month mark of "actively waiting."  Its getting a little harder to wait patiently, but I keep reminding myself that with each passing day and month that its just another day and month closer to the day we bring home our child.
We completely finished decorating the nursery last night but there is one thing missing....our baby.  Some people who go through infertility and adoption wait to put the nursery together because they fear they will have pain every time they walk past the empty nursery.  Its different for me.  I walk past that nursery every day and smile.  Sometimes I walk in it and imagine what it will feel like to pick up our baby from the crib.  I imagine the joy I will have in my heart when I'm sleep deprived and hearing our baby cry in the middle of the night or when we are changing dirty diapers.  Some people would dread some of those moments.  I can't wait for them.